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Bad things that haven’t yet happened to the Cincinnati Reds this week

A Friday List

Miami Marlins v Cincinnati Reds Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

It has been, to be frank, a bit of a trying time for the Cincinnati Reds in this, the first full week of the 2022 Major League Baseball season.

Jonathan India, reigning National League Rookie of the Year, exited last night’s game against the Los Angeles Dodgers with a right hamstring issue. Mike Minor, the highest-priced addition during a winter of roster culling, had a setback to his setback with his setback shoulder while on a rehab start, and looks to be out for much longer than originally planned. Tommy Pham and Nick Senzel have both missed multiple games after slamming into one another in the outfield on a ball that fell in and scored multiple runs, a play that happened while prized youngster Nick Lodolo was getting shelled often on the mound in his major league debut.

That’s helped conspire to render the Reds 2-5 so far, with the next 3 games also away at Dodger Stadium.

That all of that combined is still not close to the dumbest, most frustrating part of the Reds week lets you in on just how busted this entire thing has become. Chief Oof Operator Phil Castellini went on record twice in a matter of hours about how much he likely values the average fan less than his fourth favorite pair of Louboutin loafers, cementing our longstanding assumption that the team’s ownership group sees the Reds as business venture first, business venture second through forty-eighth, and actual competitive baseball team last.

He also let you know that he’d love to move the club somewhere richer, too. Fun times all around.

In light of all that hullabaloo, here’s a Friday List of bad things that fortunately have not yet happened to the Cincinnati Reds this week.

  • Their credit card has not been hit with annual renewals of, Apple TV, Peacock, Amazon Prime, and YouTube, all streaming services needed to actually watch all baseball games this year
  • GABP’s grass has not been replaced with the Riverfront Concreturf
  • DatDudeBP has not yet turned down that prom date
  • They haven’t signed Kevin Gregg, Jason Marquis, Yovani Gallardo, Bronson Arroyo (v.2), or Carlos Marmol
  • Joey Votto has not popped out in the infield three times in a game
  • Mike Moustakas hasn’t struck out 11 times
  • They haven’t accidentally been asked to wear jerseys with ‘Cincinatti’ on the front
  • Aristides Aquino hasn’t struck out 12 times
  • The team’s ERA hasn’t risen to the highest in the majors, only in the National League
  • The propane tank at Chris Welsh’s Ponderosa hasn’t run out when the brats were on and still needed five more minutes
  • Shaq hasn’t broken a basket with a thunder-dunk and caused an hour-long delay while it was replaced
  • No game has been snowed out
  • Jesse Winker has not homered in GABP in a different jersey
  • Walt Jocketty has not dropped a green bean in his Dr. Pepper from such a height that it splashed Dr. Pepper all over his game notes
  • Neither Willy Taveras nor Corey Patterson has hit leadoff
  • Walter has not promised anyone a toe by 3 o’clock
  • Nobody has promoted Skip Schumaker to be their manager yet, keeping the decision of destiny in play for him to be named next manager of the Cincinnati Reds
  • The Reds have not been on the wrong end of a 6-9 game