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Autumn-y things you can do instead of watching the Reds limp to the finish

A Friday List

Cincinnati Reds Photo by Focus on Sport/Getty Images

It was a crisp 47 degrees outside when I woke up this morning, the first wave of truly cool air finally having made it to my area after a blisteringly hot summer. The maple tree in the yard out front has picked up a twinge of red, the elm across the road glowing gold in the morning sun.

Autumn is officially here as of this week, the clearest sign that the baseball season is in its final stretch. And if you’re a Cincinnati Reds fan, that usually means your team is on its last legs.

In this case, we’re being served a big, heaping plate of the usual.

The Reds have [insert whatever small number it really is] games left in their 2021 campaign, all that’s left to determine where they draft next year. They’re going to miss the playoffs again, since they’re the Reds and that’s just what they do. They’re going to do so while leaving a frustratingly bitter aftertaste, since that’s also just what the Reds do. But rather than sit around and watch the St. Louis Cardinals celebrate (again) and have it fester (again), you could use this precious time before it’s dark and cold outside to have some actual fun out there.

So, for this Friday List, here is an incomplete list of things you can do for the next few weeks instead of watching the Reds once again limp to the finish line:

  • stare at your phone
  • leaf peep
  • Ryan Leaf peep
  • Leif Garrett peep
  • microwave Peeps
  • learn to play the dobro
  • shop for sweaters you’ll wear once and forget about
  • scroll Netflix for 3 hours
  • stare at your phone
  • put your leftovers into tupperware so you can throw them away in two weeks instead of today
  • beg Josh Gates to actually find something on Expedition Unknown
  • buy a sleeve of golf balls for $12 and then lose them all by the 7th hole while exclaiming ‘C’MON, WIND’ over and over
  • sign up for Paramount+ and Peacock while cancelling your Sling and HBOMax subscriptions
  • carve a pumpkin too early so it’s soggy and rotten by October 22nd
  • buy a Corey Seager poster, put it on your wall, buy a red Sharpie, and draw a Reds hat on his head
  • tell Bob Castellini to sell the team
  • drop two weight classes, beat Shute, win state
  • order pizza
  • plant nine trees
  • cancel your Paramount+ subscription because you haven’t watched anything on it yet
  • find Carmen Sandiego
  • tweet at ‘cruits
  • try to take over the world
  • have a cerveza with the Crafty Lefty at the Ponderosa
  • pick a European football team to follow
  • reactivate your HBOMax subscription because it’s got that one show now
  • put beans in your chili
  • reply ‘trade [established player] for prospects’ to posts by the Reds on Facebook
  • order pizza
  • cancel your Peacock subscription and reactivate Sling when you realize you picked a Bundesliga club as your European football club instead of a Premier League club
  • learn Spanish
  • donate the sweaters you bought, wore once, and forgot about to local shelters
  • prep your body and mind to be 100% invested in this sport of baseball again come February because, like the giant slabs of meat that we are, it’s all we know
  • enjoy Arby’s