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Things Joey Votto has said to himself while socking homers

A Friday List

Cincinnati Reds v Atlanta Braves Photo by Todd Kirkland/Getty Images

Joey Votto woke up during the MLB All Star break and decided to commence destruction of each and every baseball he saw. It was the latest in a series of conscious decisions, ones born out of an out of character run of form for the Hall of Famer that had many of us - most of us - wondering if we’d long ago seen the best of him.

It started with last season’s swing change, and the potency in his bat very obviously came right back. From there, it was a matter of simply pinpointing things, finding that new precision that would again elevate him to the single most dominant left-handed hitter on the face of the planet, much the way he’d been for the bulk of his career.

Things got good for him in June, after he returned from a month on the shelf with a busted finger. But since the break, he’s been positively absurd. For instance, below are his ranks among all MLB players since the break, with second place listed just so you know how much more bonkers he’s been than his peers.

16 HR (1st) - Atlanta’s Austin Riley is 2nd with 12

39 RBI (1st) - Toronto’s Teoscar Hernandez is 2nd with 36

.450 ISO (1st) - Toronto’s George Springer is 2nd at .418

.775 SLG (1st) - Springer is 2nd again at .736

28.2 Barrel% (1st) - Minnesota’s Miguel Sano is 2nd at 21.4

It’s been a completely ridiculous offensive explosion. In honor of that ridiculousness, here are an unrecorded number of things Joey Votto probably mumbles under his breath while watching his 440 foot homers fly into the sky.

Cripes, wanted that in section 103, not 101. Now my oppo-rate is gonna drop below 24%.

Slider [sniffs], you stink.

Let’s see ya decline that 2024 team option now, eh?

Can’t get me with that high cheese, I love stacked poutine.

Just 92nd percentile max exit velocity my ass.

Toed it a bit, but it’ll do.

That’s my Molson Muscle!

That one’s headed for a chesterfield in Newport.

Get it on, bang a gong, get it on.

Sorry aboat your tragically WHIP, ace.

Turned that meatball into tortiere.

Le bat blew!

Earnin’ loonies!

EV on that one’s a solid 185 clicks, for sure.

Damn it’s chilly, gotta get back to my tuque and a double double.

Ope, got under it a hair, maybe that Chinook will get it out, eh?