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How the Cincinnati Reds could take down Clemson in the Sugar Bowl

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A Friday List.

Reds v Rangers Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

Ohio sports takes on the Clemson Yaba-Dabos tonight in the Sugar Bowl. In honor of that event, here are a few ways the Cincinnati Reds could take down the mighty Death Valley Tigercats if given the similar opportunity:

  • stuff Travis Etienne full of etouffee
  • give Dabo a mask fitted for a 7-5/8th head knowing full well he’s just a 7-1/4th, prompting penalty after penalty when it keeps falling off his head whilst screaming
  • change name to ‘The [TM] Cincinnati Reds’ for supreme intimidation purposes
  • task defensive end Eugenio Suarez with blowing giant gum-bubbles in obvious passing situations, thereby blocking the view of Trevor Lawrence on all weak-side looks while blitzing the A-gap, knowing that you can trust your single coverage on the strong-side with the baddest damn cover-corner the world has ever seen
Atlanta Falcons v Chicago Bears
  • secretly slip Sean Casey a headset in the Clemson coordinator booth in the absence of OC Tony Elliott, knowing he’ll talk so freaking much that neither Dabo or Lawrence will ever get the right mind to focus on the game at hand (you simply cannot complete an out-route when dreaming about ‘buckets of wings’)
  • know you can trust your kicker with the game on the line, as he’s proven time and time again he’s got the best leg in the game
  • finally, despite knowing that the scouting report might suggest that you just run the damn ball to keep it out of the hands of the future #1 pick in the NFL Draft, you follow your heart and put the ball in the hands of your quarterback, your field general, and use his own generational talent to bring home the dubya and earn a chance to play for the World Series National Championship