This Week in JPEGs

This week on This Week in JPEGs is brought to you in part by all them electric scooters sitting in sad heaps on the street corners of every American city of a certain size. That was a pretty weird thing to start with, wasn’t it? It was like all the sudden a population explosion of scooteranimals had invaded our habitat. We were kind of undecided if they were a destructive invasive species or a harmless-but-neat cooperative species, and then all this shit happened.

We hardly knew ye, all the Spins, Limes, Birds, Uberdiddles, Florps, Arumpts, and DorkBikes out there.

Last week’s winner of This Week in JPEGs was The Titanic, The Iceberg, and Wily Mo Peña. To be honest, I have no idea what in the hell I was thinking. It’s been really weird the past while. Which I suppose was the point of the other one last week.

Ah, so maybe that was what I was thinking. Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. See, it was kinda meta (is that “meta?” Am I using that word right? I never really know).

This week on This Week in JPEGs, we have a theme! It’s been a while since we had a theme. I was sitting around schwasted the other night and I got to thinking - you know, at what age should a fella start worrying about getting a prostate examination or a colonoscopy or whatever? Now, as a very plain and conservative heterosexual, I haven’t had the occasion in my sexual history to be properly penetrated.* So such an examination would be something of a first for yours truly. This is not an uncommon situation to find oneself in in the suburb where I live.

* It is absolutely true that I have had but one sexual partner in my life. This is mostly that I married the first girl I ever really dated (which is probably the most stupidly audacious thing I have ever done) and I’m still trying my damnedest to make that work. But I’m convinced that it is also in some part due to the fact that I apparently give off pretty strong gay vibes. When my wife and I first started dating, she felt the need to check with a gay mutual friend of ours to make sure I wasn’t gay. I mean, we were all 20 and stupid and it was 15 years ago (remember the ‘04 election when we voted to outright ban gay marriage in Ohio?). So the whole gay thing was still the gay thing back then, you know what I mean? It’s pretty incredible that we’ve come so far on that in just one generation.

What was I talking about again?

Ah right, I was talking about seeing that kind of doctor for the first time. And it’s not that I’m worried about it or hung up on it or anxious about it in a sexual way (clearly). I’m more anxious about it in a comedic way. You see, one’s first appointment with the urologist or the butthologist is a really, really big deal. It’s like making one’s big-league debut for someone like me who likes to tell jokes. Because these people have heard every goddamn joke. I mean, think about it: everybody walking in there for the first time is feeling some level of anxiety about it. I mean, I won’t be, but nevertheless it’s a doctor’s appointment and there’s a possibility they could find something! Also, you know, some dudes are weirded the hell out by butt stuff. And what do people do when they are in a tense situation? They try to break that tension with a joke.

So these doctors have heard a million jokes. They are like the grizzled addicts who run comedy clubs. So If I’m going to have any chance at all of at least mildly surprising this doctor, I’m going to have to put in the work.

This Week in JPEGs: Jokes to Say to the Proctologist the First Time You See Them

picture courtesy of me, you idiots

1.“Do you need me to spread the cheeks? They can get in the way sometimes. Especially that one.”

2. “Wow, this is a strange déjà vu.”

3. “Hey if you find any farts in there will you make sure to save ‘em for me? I got plans later.”

4. “Don’t try any funny stuff, Doc! Ha, I’m just kidding! I’m not really like that. Can you imagine if I was? My cousin is like that. We are no longer on speaking terms. Last I heard he was getting a divorce because he was humping with one of his wife’s friends. Just awful! Can you imagine?”

5. “Hey, that’s a nice watch. You mind putting it in your pocket for me?”

6. “Jealous?”

7. “Oh, no thanks. I had a big lunch.”

8. “You know now that you mention it, I haven’t seen my retainer in years.”

9. “Look okay I know this is kind of a dumb question but I have to ask it just for my own sanity, okay? I just need to make sure. Can you check and see if there are any purple monkeys? When I was a kid my brother would always tell me he could see little purple monkeys crawling in and out of my butt all the time and I couldn’t see them because I was never quick enough to get to the mirror in time to see them so I once sat in front of the mirror with my head between my knees waiting for them and I never did see one but you have no idea how anxious it makes me to this day.”