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Inappropriate cities for current MLB monikers - A Friday List

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A Friday List. I said that in the title.

Cincinnati Reds vs. St Louis Cardinals

“The Utah Jazz are an American professional basketball team based in Salt Lake City,” says the opening line of their Wikipedia page.

For 41 years, the Jazz have called Salt Lake City, notoriously unfamous jazz hub, their home. Of course, they originated as the New Orleans Jazz of New Orleans, notoriously famous jazz hub, before moving west, but for whatever reason have managed to steadfastly honor a moniker that fits like a screen door on a battleship submarine. The Los Angeles Lakers, formerly of Minneapolis and the land of 10,000 lakes, gave them the mold.

With that in mind, we’ve concocted a Friday List for your perusal, one that brings that nickname dilemma home to Major League Baseball. We’re taking monikers on the road to new homes, ones that bring the most chaos possible.

Our list...

Honolulu Diamondbacks

There are no snakes in Hawaii, you fools

Atlanta Yankees

Hoooooo buddy.

Cincinnati Mets

(It’s a sausage joke. We make those a lot.)

Montreal Padres

French Canada gets their baseball back with...an homage to Spanish colonialism!

Little Rock Giants

!!!

Raleigh Pirates

Amid a post full of chaos, this one actually works. That dastardly Sir Walter!

Virginia Beach White Sox

In the land of flip-flops, let there be tube socks.

Phoenix Phillies

Alliteration is key!

Las Vegas Angels

It’s been a few decades since I perused the Bible, but I think this is right.

Vancouver Nationals

TEAM CANADA!

Boston Reds

After years of having to wade through Google search queries for ‘Reds’ that constantly return Red Sox information that I do not ever want, it’s the least for which I can ask.

Salt Lake City Brewers

Jazz? Brewers!

Detroit Astros

Speaking of beer, the Motor City may have seen Stroh’s brewery shut down, so gifting them Astros seems like the least we could do.

Philadelphia Rockies

They long ago leaned hard into The Italian Stallion, statue and everything. Just own the hell out of it forever now.

Perth Cardinals

By my calculations, the capital of western Australia is just about the single furthest city from my home in Denver, checking in at nearly 16,270 miles away. If that’s as far away as I can ship them, that’s where I’ll ship them.