Reds 10 Cubs 1: The funnest baseball game of the year

Joe Nuxhall Memorial Honorary Star of the Game

The English language strains with great effort in an attempt to adequately describe just how much fun this baseball game was. I’d like to tell you I am up to the task, but we all know I’m not.

Aristides Aquino hit three home runs in a row. He now has seven in his first nine games this year. In his fourth AB, the Cubs were so shaken that they threw four-straight breaking balls away from the plate. They Barry Bondsed him. Aristides Aquino, in his tenth game as a major-league baseball player, got the Barry Bonds treatment.

Sonny Gray pitched an emblematic Sonny Gray game, throwing six scoreless and allowing only two hits. The Reds bonked six honkers all together.

Key Plays

• The game started at 7:10 and all the great shit started pretty soon after that. In the first, Joey Votto laced a double into the gapper and one out later Josh VanMeter (he can geet ‘er!) doubled into the oppo gap to bring the ol’ lion home. 1-0, best guys.
• In the second, Aristides Aquino roped a pole-bender down the line to make it 2-0. Nick Senzel one-upped him into the second deck to make it 3-0.
• In the third, Aquino did it again. Then lil Senzii singled into CF, but Albert Almora had some trouble with it so he got to second. Tucker Barnhart brought him home with a CF single of his own. After a ground-rule double from Peraza, Sonny Gray helped his own cause with a one-bagger. All this happened with two outs. 7-0 Redlegs.
• Then it was the fourth inning! That’s when Eugenio Suarez walloped a cantaloupe himself. One batter later, Aquino hit his third wanger in as many at-bats. If you didn’t see any of this as it happened, I’m guessing this little ol’ recap on this stupid bloghole is going to convince you it was real. Either way, it was 9-0 Reds after four innings.
• Meanwhile, this whole time Sonny Gray was throwing a no-hitter. He had given up a few walks and hit that shit-ass Anthony Rizzo with a pitch, but he didn’t give up an honest-to-god base hit until Kyle Schwarber singled in the fifth. Sonny was throwing his very best stuff and cut through the Cubs’ lineup with ease.
• Joe Maddon waved the white flag in the bottom of the fifth and brought in all the subs. Votto and Suarez took seats as well, giving way to Brian O’Grady and Kyle Farmer, respectively.
• Speaking of, Farmer led off the sixth with a second-deck wango. 10-0, best guys.
• One out later, Alec Mills spun up four breaking balls way off the plate to walk Aquino. Everyone in the building shouted in the unison “COME THE FUCK ON, MAN!!!”
• Kyle Schwarber led off the ninth with a nice-looking homer, giving Thom Brennaman the shiverin’ jabbers. He didn’t think he’d get to talk much about Schwarber tonight, but he juuuuuuuust got it in. 10-1, Redfellows.
• Mustang Sally Romano got the three-inning save and everybody had fun.

Stefi Graf

Other Notes

• Aquino has hit seven home runs in his first ten MLB games. That is the most in the Live Ball Era, tied with some pretty good baseball fella named Trevor Story.
• Doug Flynn hit seven home runs in his entire career, according to tHom.
• Aquino’s OPS for the season is now 1.750.
• A silly Cubs fan held up a sign behind home plate in the top of the sixth asking “Beth will U marry me?” From his reaction, I presume she said yes. Congratulations, Beth. Jim Day tracked him down for an interview, and it went exactly as you might think.
• Sal Romano made his second appearance of the season, coming on in relief of Sonny. He looks like he has lost a noticeable amount of weight. He threw pretty well, too. His heater was regularly 96-97 and his breaking ball was razor-sharp here and there. I would be very okay having some Mustang Sally back in my life.
• I brought up Brian O’Grady earlier, and he got the first major-league hit of his career in this one. He took a nice breaking ball the other way for a single against a dramatically shifted infield. All the best to you, Beefer!
• The Mets are #AllofaSudden atop the Wild Card standings after their defeat of the Nationals this evening. They will most certainly piss it away somehow, but still. This is a fun baseball night.
• My personal darling Josh VanMeter cracked a pair of doubles. Oh, my darling.
• The Reds go for the series win tomorrow afternoon at 1:10 with Luis Castillo and His Red Right Hand on the bump.
• If you thought we would get through just one game without Thom Brennaman mentioning the fact that Kyle Schwarber is from Middletown, you’d be stupid wrong.