I’ve never really done drugs. You can probably tell because I talk about it like “doing drugs.” I’m not real hip to the lingo. I think real drugs-doing people say things like “slamming speedballs” and “cranking rails” and “blazing joint bongs” and “roofing the terrace.” They have a whole euphemistic vernacular for it. I know that much because of movies and tv.
I’ve tried marijuana a handful of times, but that about does it. I’ve always been more of a romantic Tom Waitsian drunk than anything else. I suppose as far as unstable depressives go, I’ve been considerably lucky that booze can still drown my demons, even just temporarily. The less fortunate can be read about or seen on television news. Nevermind which newspaper or television news program. Just pick one at random.
Anyway, so I don’t really know from drugs. At least, not more than what tv has told me. So that is all prologue to this Reds-related metaphor: Back in the day man, we used to get this real clean high-quality shit. Back in like June and July was pure uncut straight Colombian, man. Some of that Juan Valdez shit. But nowadays it’s like we are slamming shit that’s like 80% baking soda. But hell if I’m gonna give it up. I’m an addict, man. I need this Reds stuff and I’ll take whatever fix I can get.
Hell, I could write for The Wire with that kind of authentic street drug lingo.
So yeah, watching the Reds right now. They aren’t at their best. There is an alternate timeline out there on which we are watching guys like Jesse Winker, Nick Senzel, Joey Votto, and Scott Schebler bangin’ around and givin’ ‘em the business. I guess we can console ourselves with the hope that Schebler and Votto will return soon enough, but dang. The Reds currently rank in the top three in the National League in batting average and on-base percentage but they honest-to-God have so much more in them. So, so much more.
Let’s look ahead to next season for a bit, when (hopefully) they’ll have a full roster of healthy players. Given a 12-man pitching staff, they have all of these guys rarin’ to go:
There is a ton of bat there, folks. And enough defensive versatility that, while they won’t be an elite run-prevention unit, they won’t panic the pitching staff, either.
Let’s make out a lineup even Jim Riggleman can’t break!
LF Jesse Winker
SS Jose Peraza
1B Joey Votto
3B Eugenio Suarez
2B Scooter Gennett
RF Scott Schebler
C Tucker Barnhart
CF Billy Hamilton
Also, that bench is thicc af. A smart manager can get 400 to 500 PAs for just about everyone here. Ervin and Schebler can cover CF in friendly ballparks while Senzel, Blandino, and Herrera can make sure everyone in the infield gets a day off every week or so. The possibilities are endless if the Reds hire a manager smart enough to understand that.
I’m looking at the team the Reds have built and I’m feeling really good and high about it. Like, totally high. Like, I have Lionel Richie’s Dancing on the Ceiling running on a continuous loop in my head I’m so high. Like, actual drugs high, you guys. You don’t even know.