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Farmers Only: Jonny India got his first hit!

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MLB: Chicago White Sox at Cincinnati Reds Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

Brandon Larson Honorary Star of the Night

We’re giving it to two fellas tonight. I can do whatever I want.

Jonathan India got his first hit as a professional, a double in the top of the first inning. Then he didn’t stop, adding a single and a home run to finish out the evening 3-4 with a walk and three RBIs. He was just a triple short of the cycle.

Now, as Sunrise, Sunset swells up in the background, consider old pro Hernan Iribarren collected three hits of own, one of them his 1,500th as a pro. Circle of Life, man. I hope you had the time of your life.

Louisville Bats 4 Columbus Clippers 6

Cody “Velvet Underpants” Reed was kinda not great last night, throwing 623 and giving up six runs (four earned) with six strikeouts. The bullpen was better, with “Big Mac Attack” Zach Weiss and Jimmy “The Neck” Herget throwing a scoreless inning apiece. “Captain Caveman” Hernan Iribarren had a special night, scratching three singles and a run scored.

Pensacola Blue Wahoos 6 Mississippi Braves 1

Vladimir “Goo Goo” Gutierrez tossed quite the gem, dominating the Braves for seven innings allowing just one unearned run while striking out nine. “American Idol” Taylor Sparks led the way for the offense, cracking two hits including a home run and driving in three.

Daytona Tortugas 1 Florida Fire Frogs 11

Andrew “The White Moses Malone” Jordan started for the ‘Tuges and lived dangerously for five innings. He gave up nine hits and walked three, but somehow only allowed two runs to cross the plate. Unfortunately, the choking stench of grim death was hanging over the field all night and the bullpen eventually gave up the ghost. Four different dudes pitched the back four and gave up a combined nine runs.

The offense mustered just two hits, singles from “Muay” Tyler Stephenson and “HR Teamwork Spirit Leader of the Month Award Winner for June 2018” Bruce Yari.

Dayton Dragons 3 Quad Cities River Bandits 4

Austin “Charles Foster Kane” Orewiler started for the Drags and there was plenty of blame to go around for everyone. He scattered seven hits and two walks over 513 but somehow avoided giving up an earned run. Unfortunately, the Dragons committed six errors behind the mound and that’s what did ‘em all in. Andy “Sluggo” Sugilio collected a pair of singles and “Alley Alley” Leandro Santana waxed a two-run baconator.

Billings Mustangs 6 Grand Junction Rockies 1

“Law-Abiding Citizen” Dylan Harris, an undrafted free agent who signed last month out of Nova Southeastern, is raising a few eyebrows out in Billings. He collected two hits and drove in two out of the lead-off spot.

The pitching staff threw a bullpen game, with Connor “The Cocksure Cowboy” Curlis and his sycophantic simple-headed sidekick Ryan Campbell leading the way. Curlis threw 213 scoreless with Campbell following it up with two of his own. They each struck out four.

Greeneville Reds 5 Kingsport Mets 4

The GreeneReds tuned up the lil Mets’ pitching for 15 hits. Jonathan “BaseBollywood” India led the way with three hits, just a triple short of the cycle. Miguel “Chichirito” Hernandez added three hits of his own, while “The Heart is a Lonely” Hunter Oliver, “Them daggum Mil” Reniel Ozuna, and Brian Rey “Gan” added two apiece.

AZL Reds 4 AZL Padres 5

The Kid Reds got out to a four-run lead but let it all slip away. “Got a squeezer under the bleachers from” Debby Santana cranked out four hits, including a double, while “Rey Rey” Reyny Reyes and Edwin “Hither Thither and” Yon added two apiece.