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The Actual Best-Case Scenario for the 2018 Reds

(Not actually)

MLB: Spring Training-Texas Rangers at Cincinnati Reds Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

It’s hard to write seriously about a “best-case scenario” without wandering into hyperbole. A pie-in-the-sky piece isn’t interesting or informative. “The best-case scenario for the Cincinnati Reds is winning the pennant!” Well, duh doy. That’s the best-case for all the teams, anywhere. And it’s not realistic.

That’s how Grimer started his best-case scenario piece he wrote yesterday. Given all that, I have decided to write a best-case scenario piece that is interesting, not really informative, pie-in-the-sky, and swarming with magic robots. It’ll be unserious, unrealistic, and will liberally wander into hyperbole. It’s gonna be kinda fun for me and it will provide #OpeningDayContent for SBNation. L’chaim!

Bob Castellini sells me the team

My life-long dream is to own my favorite team, and the best-case scenario for this season is that actually comes true. Money is really no object, so I would buy it for whatever price he wanted to sell it. Best-case scenario though is something around $400. I could probably scrape that up in a pinch.

The first thing I would do is usurp all baseball-related responsibilities from Dick Williams, not because I think he is bad at it, but because I want it. I’ll keep him around to advise me, but I’ll be calling the shots from now on.

I’d probably commission MTV or something to follow me around with cameras so we could turn my zany adventure into a reality television show. I mean, “wacky blogger takes ownership of his favorite sportsball team and hijinks ensue” is a TV Guide description that is destined to win a few Golden Globes. Also I would win a Golden Globe because that’s kinda one of my dreams, too.

MLB allows Billy Hamilton to use a cricket bat

I get the sense that Billy gets a bit plecked off at how often folks criticize his hitting (check out this piece from Travis Sawchik for an example). As an unaccountable blogger here at Red Reporter, I don’t want to do that. I personally think he gets far more guff than he deserves, largely because his comic book villain extra-human abilities get people all goo-goo-eyed at his potential and they all lose sight of the reality. But I don’t wanna get into that here.

But wouldn’t it be cool if Billy could use a cricket bat and basically never strike out and almost always bop grounders everywhere and then he can tear ass around the bases? So much POTENTIAL!!111!!

All home runs hit by natives of Cedar Rapids, Iowa will count quadruple

Scott Schebler was born and raised in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He is currently the only Cedar Rapids native active in MLB.

I think you see where I’m going with this.

... you don’t see? Okay, lemme ‘splain. Since Scott Schebler is the only active Cedar Rapids native in baseball, he would be the only player in baseball for whom a home run would automatically count four times what everyone else’s home runs would count. If they could do that, then the Reds would score like twice as many runs. Or something.

Joey Votto officially actually never makes an out

Look, we all say it all the time. It’s fun to say. How do you describe a guy who leads the league in on-base percentage across like three consecutive Papal reigns? “Dude just never makes an out” that’s how.

Baseball is gonna go ahead and codify that into the rules. Even on the off-chance that an opposing team can manage to get him out, he still gets first base and no out is actually recorded. A classic case of the rules catching up with what the game is doing already.

They will pause the game in real life like you can when you watch it on DVR

I got little kids now so my ability to sit down for three hours from 7-10pm on a weeknight is pretty strapped. I end up watching a good bit of games on tape delay, as we used to call it back in my day when you actually used a tape. I really hate it, because it is exceedingly difficult for me to not check the score in real time on my app (get yours today!).

So instead of me having to record the game and then watch it bit by bit later, maybe they can just actually have everyone stand still and hold on a bit until I can get back to the TV. That would effectively solve this little problem I have, you see.

The Reds give me a new pair of sunglasses

Last summer The Vole and I went down to Great American Ballpark to catch a game together. It so happened to be the very same game after which Bronson Arroyo played his going-away concert. After a thousand Pearl Jam covers, Voley and I made our way back to the car and headed up I-71 to Columbus.

But oh crap! Where are my sunglasses?! I still don’t know what happened to them, but if the Reds wouldn’t mind getting me a new pair, that would really be the best-case scenario for me.