Joey Votto reaches 100 RBI on the season, comment sections begin to implode

Clocks stopped, computers froze, and smartphones everywhere automatically downloaded the entire U2 catalog today as the internet comment section world reacted to Joey Votto knocking in his 100th run of the 2017 season.

Denizens of the nether-regions of Cincinnati Reds webholes reacted with a mix of shock, flatulence, and yawny qualifying statements at the once mythical happening, with one near-sighted fellow remarking "Well, actually it’s more like 94 arby-eyes if you account for the launch-angle revolution and the current run environment. In fact, his season may only grade out at 92 RBI+," he said as he chomped down on another handful of paint chips. Still, the day will go down in local lore given that it was long feared that as the stacks of million-dollar gold bricks continued to mount on Votto’s burly shoulders, they weighed so got-damn much that he was having an impossible time standing up under the tonnage, let alone bonking in runs.

In celebration of the event, Votto’s teammates showered him with gifts.

Perpetual leadoff hitter Billy Hamilton gave Votto that one base he got on that one time, cast in bronze just for the occasion.

Scooter Gennett sent Votto a pack of frozen Omaha ribeyes to thank him for being on base jillions of times to facilitate Scoot’s own 100 ribbie chase (and subsequently massive pending arbitration raise).

Jesse Winker tried to give Votto a hug, but simply didn’t possess enough power to lift his arms up and wrap them around Votto’s hulking torso. Shame, that.

Even Bronson Arroyo serenaded Votto with a Three Doors Down medley, which was impressive in its own right given the sheer quantity of tomatoes he was being pelted with at the time by everyone within a 77 mile radius.

It’s still far too early to fully grasp how Reds comment sections will exist in the wake of this unlikeliest of events. Early speculation suggests that by the third game of next April many will staunchly claim ‘but he hasn’t driven in a-hundert runs yet this year.’ Others will accurately choose to point out that Votto’s 100 ribbie accomplishment pales in comparison to the 22 times Pete Rose drove in at least 137 runs in a single season. Fortunately, though, the rest will have ample bourbon and the ability to punch their own selves when reading such reactions.

Regardless, congratulations are rightly due to Joey for again cracking that single-season milestone. Here’s to looking forward to which different nit about his game will be picked in the years to follow. (Frankly, in the eyes of this blogger-du-jour, it seems like a massive overpay that the Reds would guarantee some quarter-billion dollars to a player who has never once in his entire career - never once! - even had a base hit right handed. Talk about hamstringing a payroll.)