The Reds players you’d most want with you at the end of the world

I have been thinking a lot about the end of the world recently. I’m knee-deep in a post-apocalyptic novel right now, but more than that, it sure seems to me that our civilization is fraying a bit at the seams. I’ve had Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire stuck in my head for days and I can’t BELIEVE Normani didn’t win DWTS. I mean, come ONNNNN!!! I feel like we are on the edge of oblivion.

When it all finally does come crashing down, a new world will emerge from our ashes. All the trappings of our hyper-modern world will fall away: no airplanes, no internet (no blogholes), no exotic fresh fruits for pennies per pound at the local supermarket. No money, no credit cards, no Venmo or Uber. The survivors will live as hunter/gatherer tribes, combing over the rubble and scraping out a new, perilous existence.

And in this new world, I imagine a new simple economy will emerge, with traders swapping canned food for jackets, leather shoes for seed corn. And in this newer, simpler economy, I imagine the prevailing currency will be home runs hit by Reds players so far in the 2017 season (for whatever reason I don’t know). So here is a list of Reds players you’d most want with you at the end of the world (supposing you are one of the lucky(?) survivors).

Scott Schebler

In this desolate hellscape where 2017 dingers are of incredible value (still don’t know why), Scott Schebler will probably be regional lord or war chief. He has swatted 13 home runs so far this season, tops on the team. I imagine this will imbue him with mystical powers in the eyes of the survivors, allowing him to rule a not-insignificant amount of territory by divine right.

Joey Votto

Votto’s power surge has been well-documented. He has hit 12 home runs, pumping his impressive .600 SLG. In the After World, Votto will likely preside over a lucrative and prestigious stud operation. Given the 12 homers he has hit this year, he will be seen as a highly sought-after sire in the rebuilding civilization. People will travel for hundreds of miles around, women offering their wombs in the hopes of carrying a bit of his life-spirit into the next generation. He will oblige with customary Canadian humility.

Zack Cozart

Cozart has seriously boosted his trade value early on this year, slugging an incredible .571. He has smacked 20 extra-base hits, tied for third on the team. Unfortunately for him, SLG isn’t nearly as prized in the doom realm that is our bleak future, and his modest total of four home runs will carry only marginal weight among survivor bands. He will likely have the juice to rise to tribal leader or at least member of a small decision-making council, or perhaps a “first among equals” in a semi-autonomous commune.

Arismendy Alcantara

I have been impressed by Alcantara so far this year, though his numbers don’t really warrant it. He has played sparingly, getting only 45 PAs over the season’s first two months, but he has filled in at SS, 2B, 3B, and all three outfield positions. His best game was May 4 against the Pirates when he scrapped three singles and stole a base, but he has only started five games. It’s tough to get a rhythm when you aren’t getting regular reps.

Of course, this means little to the peoples of the barren plains of Beyond Now, as the only baseball statistic of consequence in their eyes is home runs (for some reason). Alcantara has yet to go yardage this season, and so he will be relegated to the lowest rungs of the new nasty and brutish society of post-global death. He will likely be a meager gatherer, attempting to find wild berries, fruits, and nuts, as he will not be trusted with the weapons of the hunters. He may even be rejected outright, forced to wander the desolate highways and husks of former cities alone and vulnerable. If the end of the world comes and home runs hit so far during the 2017 season becomes a new currency, Arismendy Alcantara is not someone you would want to associate with if you happen to be among the survivors.