Old Man Arroyo
All the way back in 2013, this stupid project was just a toddler and Bronson Arroyo was a solid middle-of-the-rotation starter for a strong contending Reds team. So many years later, this stupid project is a surly, morose teenager and Bronson is an elderly place-holder for a struggling basement-dweller. Worse yet, this aged and much-diminished Bronson is still a middle-of-the-rotation starter. The rotation wasn't going to be any great shakes this season, but still, injuries have been brutal. And this stupid project is surly and morose about it.
Eric Thames Stomps the Reds
Objectively speaking, one of the coolest stories of the first month of baseball is the ascendance of Eric Thames. Thames floated for years as a quad-A slugger before spending some time in the KBO. He destroyed that league and was worshiped as a god. Really. His fans nicknamed him "God." The Brewers signed him this off-season to a very modest contract and he has rewarded them by shattering the team's April record for home runs (he has 11 so far).
Of course, he has hit eight of those against the Reds.
Scott Feldman, Faceless Ace
While geriatric Bronson Arroyo is holding up the middle of the rotation (probably by stacking up his empty containers of Metamucil or something), Scott Feldman is unquestionably the team's ace so far. He started Opening Day, he leads the team in innings, and I have no idea who the hell this guy is.