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Giancarl-o, forget about it

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Previewing the Miami Marlins, who you don’t care about.

Pittsburgh Pirates v Cincinnati Reds
THIS GUY
Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

I actually don’t know how long I’ve been doing Marlins previews for. Since before they changed the name to “Miami,” to be sure. I had an LMFAO reference in one, once – remember them?

The only constant in all of those was how gosh-danged uninteresting they were through all of it. The last time the Marlins made the playoffs was 2003, when they won the World Series. In fact, the only times they’ve made the playoffs, they’ve won the World Series.

The Marlins will not win the World Series this year.

Storylines

Will the Marlins be able to replace Jose Fernandez? Of course not.

Will the Marlins be able to support Giancarlo Stanton? Of course not.

Will Ichiro get to 3,000 hits? That was last year, dummy.

Management

Don Mattingly is at the helm for the second year, and the dude who coached this team in their last burst of competency, Fredi Gonzalez, will be at third base. Frank Menechino is on this staff, and I remember that guy! Chad Wallach’s dad is also in the clubhouse.

Reds connections

Dan Straily was traded to the Marlins over the offseason for interesting prospect Luis Castillo and fastball-centric bullpen arm Austin Brice.

Straily, Dan will join Volquez, Edinson in the rotation. Utilityman Miguel Rojas came up with the Reds and was once in a AA Carolina Mudcats infield with Yasmani Grandal, Neftali Soto, Henry Rodriguez and Mike Costanzo.

Cam Maron, who I’m sure you remember from the 2015 Pensacola season, is a non-roster catcher. So is Ramon Cabrera.

The Rotation

Straily and Volquez will join Wei-Yin Chen, Tom Koehler and Adam Conley in the rotation. Jeff Locke is still in the running and may end up a swing man.

Jose Ureña is the most interesting-ish prospect here – he had good peripherals and a lousy ERA in his age-24 season. Looking up at that rotation, there’s, ah, there’s plenty of room for him to break in to.

The Bullpen

A.J. Ramos was the short-stack closer last year and was pretty successful in that role. Junichi Tazawa was brought over from Boston after several stalwart years over there. Kyle Barraclough, David Phelps and Dustin McGowan were all pretty solid last year and will come back. There are pieces here! They’re in service of nothing, but “shortening the game” sounds a lot more worth it when you realize how bad these games will be.

The Infield

Dee Gordon had a down year last year (.268/.305/.335) and at 29 years of age, this may just be Dee Gordon from hereon out. Martin Prado had a great year at the hot corner last year, with a .359 OBP and good defense, and Justin Bour was a bit of a surprise at first.

J.T Realmuto was a bit of a surprise, hitting over .300 with 31 doubles. That may not happen again, but he’s only 25. So he could really be something.

Derek Dietrich had another great hitting year, but does not have a glove that can play anywhere. Adeiny Hechevarria is fun to spell, and he’s a good defender at short.

The Outfield

Save the best for last! Giancarlo Stanton is getting a bit ricketty, what with all that muscle on only two legs. Another .240/.326/.489 season is quite the under – he should do better than that. Christian Yelich had an outstanding season and Marcell Ozuna is a very good centerfielder. They should lift the Marlins from absolute hopelessness to the cruelty of a silver lining.

What moribund industry do the Marlins remind me of?

A lot of my friends got into e-commerce communications after college. It looked like fun. Groupon had downtown Chicago offices and their e-mails made you laugh. The New York Times had an article about the good times to be had. It was like The Onion, except with dependable paychecks.

Daily deals was always an e-commerce element that was about to take off. All the elements were there: an economically depressed group of millennials that prided unique experiences – told uniquely – over lux events. The “daily deal” folks (not just Groupon, but Wowcher and a lot of other lazy portmanteaux) were there to get us.

But truth be told, we never came. There’s only so much skydiving a fella can do. Happy Hour Prawns for $2.75 were good. Having those prawns delivered was better.

I just logged on, and it looks like the best deals in my neighborhood are Incubus touring with Jimmy Eat World and a gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese’s. Nothing describes my generation better.

Similar to that, the Marlins never got off the ground with their biggest promises. Sure, Giancarlo/Yelich/Gonzalez were great, and the new jerseys were fun, and there was a new stadium....but it was just so much spackle over a forlorn foundation.

There’s no reason to subscribe to a service just to get some deals you don’t want. There’s no need to watch Tom Koehler go 6IP, 8H, 4ER, 3BB, 5K just to hope that Stanton’s gonna hit a double in this game.

There’s no reason. There’s no need.

Y’all. We don’t have to do this.