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Freditorial: with Special Correspondent, Fred Regorter

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David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Hey, kids. It’s your old friend, Fred Regorter. Remember me?

No? Well, I don’t remember you either.

This place has changed a lot since I was last writing around here. I blame the internet. The internet goes and changes things all the time. Remember when we all "wanted to be like Mike?" Now he’s the star of a cartoon movie. Go figure.

The Reds aren’t looking so good this year, huh? REbuilding, they say. REbooting, they say. I say they should just REbroadcast games from the Big Red Machine days!

The bullpen is in shambles. A lot of Johnny Whatshisfaces and Larry Lowballers down there. I say they ought to go back to the days when you only had three starting pitchers and they all threw 30 complete games. But America has done gone and turned into a nation of sissies. I fought in Korea with a whole lot of good, strong American boys back when this country was great. But pitchers complain nowadays about throwing more than 100 pitches in a game. Grow up.

And then there’s Joey Votto. He’s making $25 million a year to lead the team strikeouts. He is legitimately raping this team. Fortunately, the team has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.  Like trade him already!

Geno Martinez is the new third baseman this year, and I wish they would have just kept the old one! He looks like he is trying to play baseball in cowboy boots out there, the way he is kicking the ball around. Somebody call Danny White!

Maybe we’d be better off if they all just got injured. That would sure thin out the sissy crowd, right? All you’d have left is the tough guys and gamers and spit-on-it-and-get-back-out-there fellas. People are complaining they have too many injuries, but I say there haven’t been enough!

Speaking of, I really like the look of this kid Tucker Brownshirt. He took over as the everyday catcher since multi-millionaire Devin Masorco got a boo-boo and went home to mommy. He’s a real gamer and he has been one of the bright spots.

Golly, my editor wants a measly 500 words from me today. I don’t know if there is enough buttermilk in the county to get me riled up enough to do that! This team is a snoozer.

My grand-nephew tells me they have a new Star War going on. This time, they are flying the Winnebago to Mordor or some other such place. Sounds like a gas. And when it comes to that, I always pass!

Fortunately, the summer’s almost over and we don’t have much longer to suffer through the daily embarrassment of Reds baseball … What? You’re saying it’s only May?

Good grief. I’m going to need another bowl of oatmeal.