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A Fanblog’s Completely Unreasonable Plan for the Reboot


Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

The Reds have a long way to go back to legitimacy. This will get them farther and it will do it faster.

First thing – hire me. The analytics revolution in baseball isn’t really much of one anymore. I think we have gotten far past the point where these used-to-be revolutionary ideas tipped the scales to become plain ol’ conventional wisdom. New GM Dick Williams made a point of saying that he plans on hiring more numbers folks as part of the effort to plow their recent savings back into the club’s infrastructure. And that’s all good and whatnot.

But this is baseball, man. If you aren’t thinking three steps ahead, you are already three steps behind. It’s not enough to do all the things that everyone else is doing. You have to find new ways to innovate and adapt to try to gain a smidge of competitive advantage. That means sniffing out new market inefficiencies. And that means getting a big ol’ funky smell of me.

Listen: new, weird, exotic, and really weird ideas are pretty much my thing. BABIP was once new and weird. So was exit velocity. So by the power of the transitive property, I am the new hyped market advantage.

So yeah, first they gotta hire me. Then they gotta listen to some of my ideas. Get a load of this:

Make the ballpark experience more like a minor-league game

With all the fresh young faces on the team, this just kinda makes sense, right? I mean, minor-league games put on some of the most bizarre and entertaining promotions you can’t even imagine. Stuff like hot dog races, fan engagement stuff between innings, punny mascots, and award-winning characters like BirdZerk. Basically, the Reds need BirdZerk more than they need a left fielder. Hell, they could even get BirdZerk to play left field.

Reverse the Aroldis Chapman trade

Pretty much everyone in baseball was underwhelmed by what the Reds got in exchange for the Buena Wrista Crucial Sub, Mr. Pitchy himself, The Shah of the Hellespont, Aroldis Chapman. He’s pretty much the best relief pitcher in the game. So what the Reds need to do is GET HIM BACK #gethimback.

Think about it: it’s perfect. Once they somehow get the Yankees to go along with it, they can get Chapman back and BAM! instantly a better team. But here’s the best part – they need to LET HIM START #lethimstart.

Okay, everyone needs to just shut up now. Just shut up. I know he has been suspended for 30 games. That doesn’t matter #thatdoesntmatter. This is the best plan and I swear to God I will not let that dream die #letdreamdie. I really don’t care what it takes, the Reds need to make this happen #makethishappen.

Seriously though, shut up. Stop looking at me like that. I’m not dumb #imnotdumb.

Trade Brandon Phillips

The Reds have tried all winter to trade Brandon Phillips but it just hasn’t happened. He has tenure now and he is free to do and say whatever he wants. They can’t trade him unless he says it is okay. So that got me thinking: What can the Reds do that would pretty much guarantee that BP would go along with it? And then it hit me.

Trade Brandon Phillips to Outkast

Hear me out on this one. Phillips is from the ATL, just like Outkast. That’s pretty much it. Also, I wanted to post this picture:

Set up tables outside the Home Depot and whatnot and sell cookies just like the Girl Scouts

Again, I don’t think there are a ton of personnel moves (aside from hiring me) the Reds need to do to get back on their feet. Mostly, they need to come up with different and varied revenue streams. And seeing all these little kids out there every weekend peddling their overrated snacks that are only a thing because of the #brand has me thinking the Reds could do the same thing. I mean, more than half of innovation is just copying what other people do anyway.

Think about it: four bucks a box of a dozen little bite-size cookies must be like a 250% margin. And we don’t buy ‘em for the quality. It’s all about the #brand. And the Reds can whip up a pretty cool #brand if they let me do it for them. Wouldn't you want to eat shit like this?

BP Dippees – little sandwich cookies that are basically Oreos

Jumbo Fudge Mounds – basically king size Fudge Rounds

Lamby Fingers – basically lady fingers

Nonni DeSclafani’s Pizzelles – Molto bono!

Rookie Cookies – Davis pretty much writes this one himself

Tyler Holt Graham Crackers – kinda boring and not a big seller I bet

And that’s just from me sitting and looking at the roster for five minutes. Think of the dozens of cheap knock-offs we could come up with! 

So yeah, them's my ideas. I’ll be waiting for the Reds to email me.