If you have yet to read Kurt Vonnegut's seminal novel about the meaningless, powerless, dust-speckiness of human existence Slaughterhouse Five, you should. Tonight's game kinda reminded me of it. But honestly, that's not really unusual. I'm reminded of it a lot, because it's my favorite. Also we share initials.
Anyway, Vonnegut talks about, among many other things, his experiences as a POW in Dresden, Germany as the Allies firebombed the city out of existence. The protagonist of the book, Billy Pilgrim, spends the pivotal event in an underground slaughterhouse (the fifth one in what we can only presume is a series) and thus survives. When he emerges, he describes the lifeless used-to-be city as a moonscape, pockmarked with craters and dusted with human bone meal.
That's kinda how I felt in the fifth inning, looking out on this team inured by so much losing. Human bone meal. Human bone meal. Human bone meal.
And then ...
The Joe Nuxhall Memorial Honorary Star of the Game
I was gonna give this to Buck Farmer. He pitched five full one-hit innings against this Reds team. Buck Farmer, who sounds much more like a NASCAR Nationwide Series driver than a Major League pitcher. Buck Farmer, who sounds like he sells seed for Klermer's General Merchandise in Shlarm Forks, Iowa in the off-season. Human bone meal.
And then ...
Eugenio Suarez had a double and a home run. Brandon Phillips had a triple and a home run. All in the same inning. Joey Votto walked three times and cracked a prestigious Ivy League-caliber home run. Those dudes will share it.
Honorable mention goes to Newest Red Collin Balester, who threw two innings of one-hit, no-run baseball in relief of the immanently relievable Keyvius Sampson.
- The Tigers got biz-zay on Keyvius Sampson real dang quick. JD Martinez and Nick Castellanos both honged dingers in the first inning. 4-0, Tigs.
- Miguel Cabrera doubled in a run in the fourth to make it 5-0 Tigers.
- The Reds had only one measly hit against Buck Farmer through five, and I began writing this recap right about then.
- I'm guessing the Reds knew I was salty and minus a bottle of wine and they kinda like me instead of hate me like you all do, so they decided to start hitting. Eugenio Suarez (God bless him) cranked a wallopy wanker with one out in the sixth. After a Joey Votto walk (swoon), Brandon Phillips jallopped a janker himself. After a Todd Frazier single, Jay Bruce doubled him home to make it 5-4, Tigers. A pair of walks loaded the bases. That's when lead-off hitter, 2015 team MVP, Reds Hall of Famer, and Earth Nominee for Greatest Being (Living Category) in the Universe Skip Schumaker singled up the middle to give these Reds a 6-5 lead. So you can Skip the first half of this recap.
- After Skip gave the Reds the lead, Eugenio Suarez doubled home a few more runs to make it 8-5. Then Phillips hit a triple to make it 10-5.
- The Reds scored 10 runs in the sixth inning after managing just one hit through the first five. Jiminy Crickets, trademark The Walt Disney Company 1941.
- With my depression wine done drunk up, I had to break the seal on a bottle of jammin' wine.
- In the eighth inning, Joey tore the cover off of one to make it 12-5.
Tony Graphanino (this one is sexy as hell I promise)
- Eugenio Suarez's home run was his ninth of the season.
- Brandon Phillips' home run was his tenth of the season.
- Brandon Phillips has nearly twice the PAs that Suarez has. #middleinfield #middlefingers
- The Reds sent 14 hitters to the plate in that sixth inning, the best inning the Reds have hit this entire season, I would assume. I'm not going to look that up. Do you know how difficult that would be?
- Joey Votto walked twice in that inning (hubba hubba) and once more, as well. If you are like ken, you are keeping track of that. And he hit a home run, but that's not as cool as the walks. #elite #badmotherfucker
- The Reds recorded seven hits in that magical sixth. They had three hits in all other innings.