Ranking the Reds Walkup Music

Jamie Ramsey has published the list of Reds Walkup Songs, and since there's no baseball we get to talk about this instead.

Your first reaction will be, "Why do athletes like Drake so much? Drake sucks." Your second will be, "How much is Johnny Cueto in on the joke?"

The fact is that most baseball players have crappy taste in music and tattoos. The Reds, by and large, aren't immune to the epidemic. There's a few exceptions, which I'll note, but it's by-and-large a morass of Drake and FM-radio country. My rankings are below, from best to worst. I simply selected one for the players with multiple songs (I say, glaring at Brandon Phillips).

Jumbo Diaz – "Pa' Gozar" by Mozart La Para: Just a killer summer anthem by a guy who's neither Zach Cozart or Manny Parra. It's sort of like a Reggaeton version of "Steal My Sunshine," which I mean in the nicest possible manner. This track makes me want to go to the amusement park and eat ice cream cones with my girl. That's a good thing.

Aroldis Chapman – "Jingo" by Santana: Chapman's steady conversion from "terrifying closer" to "consummate lover" was evidenced by 'tHom's discussion of his physique in Game 1. Mr. Pitchy's use of early-period Santana just continues the trend.

Marlon Byrd – "Work" by Gang Starr: I'm a sucker for horn-backed rap. It's also good and summery, but has a cocky vibe to it.

Joey Votto – "The Blacker The Berry" by Kendrick Lamar: Even though "Paint it Black" was one of the best walkup songs ever, props to Joey for keeping the theme going with Kendrick's ode to Blackness. It's a bit odd to hear Votto come out to "My hair is nappy, my dick is big, my nose is round and wide," but hey, shout-out to Marcus Garvey and Trayvon Martin. It's an interesting decision, only dropped because if you choose Kendrick, choose King Kunta.

Brandon Phillips  – "Fire" by Ohio Players: The best/only good of BP's five walkup songs. Cadillac funk is pretty good. This would be higher, but it's dropped a bit by the other four BP songs, including Igloo Australia's "Fancy."

Johnny Cueto – "Siguelo" by Wisin y Yandel: Trilling Latin beat over an otherwise soothing, autotuned-to-Hell-and-back lyrics. Definitely the most "In The Club" song of them all. If not necessarily the best.

Kris Negron – "Come Around" by Collie Buddz: Actual, honest-to-god reggae is so hard to find these days. Negron seems like the least-likely dude to be listening to songs with anti-government, pro-legalization lyrics, but hey. It's toe-tappin', and the Instant Rap Airhorn is a nice touch.

Billy Hamilton – "IDGT" by Kevin Gates: This song is basically just a really bad version of Three Six' "Stay High." That's not as much an insult as it sounds, because "Stay High" is one of the best songs ever made.

Homer Bailey – "Fred Bear" by Ted Nugent: Here's a question: do you think that Homer Bailey listens to music? I'm not entirely convinced he does. I think someone asked him for walk-up music, he googled "songs about killing animals" and picked the first one that showed up. It's still better than most athlete songs.

Brayan Pena – "All I do is Win" by DJ Khaled: In a few years, this will be anonymous sports rock. Until then, man, it's one of the more fun brag-rap songs out there. I kinda miss Ludacris and his love of the female form. It's a crowd-pleasing song for a crowd-pleasing dude.

Jason Marquis – "Run This Town" by Jay Z feat. Kanye West & Rihanna: Jay took this song off of YouTube because he's terrible, but I...I'll admit to really liking this song. High-period Rihanna was a wonderful thing.

Mike Leake – "Intro" by XX: Bouncy and pleasant, ultra-calm, and an efficient 127 seconds. Basically, a Mike Leake-type song.

Zack Cozart – "Ain’t Nothing Wrong With That" by Robert Randolph: A little cheesy, but handclappy-as-heck and enthusiastic. Basically the exact opposite feeling of watching a Cozart at-bat, but hey.

Devin Mesoraco – "Right Where I Need to Be" by Gary Allan: Lil' Snacks was 13 when this song hit CMT Countdown #1 in 2001, and I'm sure it made a mark on him like it made a mark on me. It's pure millennium Nashville schlock; a pop song in clearly-elocuted English with a mediocre fiddle track. But the guitar ain't bad.

Todd Frazier – "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra: Confession is that I really don't like Sinatra. I always feel like I'm in a suburban chain steak restaurant when I hear him croon. But say what you want about Ol' Blue Eyes, its part of Frazier's schtick, is unique, and works well for his general Pro Wrestling Face thing he's got going on.

TIE: Brennan Boesch – "6 God" – Drake (clean version), Jay Bruce – "Used To" by Drake: Fuck Drake. I suppose "Used To" should come in a bit lower because that fake-bass is just awfullllll.

Chris Dominguez – "So Ambitious" by Jay Z: I have a weird relationship to Jay-Z where I respect his story and some of his songs, but my goodness I can't handle his constant pimping of brands or discussion of how hard he has it since becoming a business, man. "So Ambitious" is one of his worst tracks since it starts out with, what? Complaining about teachers? It kinda marks the beginning of "hitting the Colerain audience" of Jigga's career.

TIE: Kevin Gregg – "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC, Sean Marshall – "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin, Manny Parra – "Jump Around" by House of Pain: Anonymous sports rock for anonymous relievers. I almost wonder if this trio actually selected these songs, or if Rob Butcher was just like "alright you jackamokes, nobody gives a shit about you, so if you want the crowd to clap when you come in choose from this list."

JJ Hoover – "Awake and Alive" by Skillet: By far the most predictable walkup music. The ultra-yoked reliever comes out to some vampyre heavy metal goth thing. It's a terrible song, by the way. Like someone listened to Evanescence, but wanted it to suck more.

Skip Schumaker – "Play it Again" by Luke Bryan: Oh boy was I prepared to hate this song already, but then I heard it and all my strategems were tested. The Skip Schumaker of songs is definitely one with the presumptive chorus of a girl singing "Oh my God, this is my song!" This is officially the worst song.