Five Stupid, Dumb Cincinnati Reds Predictions

So, I figured that I would go ahead and write up my very stupid, dumb predictions.  I'm just sitting here drinking some beer lost in my thoughts about baseball.  When you read this it will be my 27th birthday, so hooray for me!  That is also why I'm drinking right now because yay birthdays!  Fasten your seat belts, read my stupidity, and let me know how dumb I really am.  HOOOOOORAY BEER AND BIRTHDAYS!

1.)  Jay Bruce will hit 50 home runs.

I keep predicting this, which makes it totally funny to myself.  Like most of you, I keep waiting for Jay Bruce to have a break out year and every year I'm a little disappointed.  So, I'm going to predict another break out year because I apparently like being sad.  Bruce is going to hit 50 home runs in a current run environment that limits such things.  Here is why.  We all know Affable Jay Bruce with the glorious hair, amazing smile, and dimpled cheeks.  He's awesome.  This year we won't have Affable Jay Bruce.  We are going to see pissed off Jay Bruce.  He's coming off a 2014 where he was one of the worst players in baseball.  He had a booboo'd knee.  He wasn't healthy, but now he is and he's gonna rake.  Jay Bruce has something to prove.  You'll see.

2.)  Johnny Cueto will throw 250 innings and win the NL Cy Young.

Cueto gonna Cuet.  He's gonna have an even better 2015 than he did in 2014.  He'll even top the innings he threw in 2014.  He'll win the Cy Young and throw that huge amount of innings because Johnny Cueto is the most efficient pitcher in the game.  Here's the big part of the prediction.  Johnny isn't going to win the Cy Young because Kershaw is going to be hurt or something dumb.  He'll win because he will be better than Kershaw.  Yes sir, and it will be his last year with the Reds because he is gonna be stoopid rich.

3.)  Anthony DeSclafani will be the second most valuable pitcher in the Reds' rotation.

He's going to be even better than Homer Bailey, and I think Homer will earn his money this year.  Hell, he'll put up better stats than Mat Latos.  I'm enamored with this kid.  I like his ability to limit walks and hits while still striking guys out.  People poo poo his 2014 MLB stats, but it was only 33 innings and he had a FIP three runs lower than his ERA.  His K/BB ratio was above 5.0!  I'm looking at DeSclafani to pitch 180+ innings with a low 3's ERA.  He'd lead the team in lack of walks allowed, but Johnny Cueto pitches for the Reds, too.  Obvi.

4.) Billy Hamilton will have a .330 OBP.

Wouldn't this be pretty.  I think Billy Hamilton will be good this year and it's because he played a full season in 2014.  Most rookies, when they get the call up, don't start from day 1 to day 162.  They usually start in AAA and get the call in May or June.  Then, we have what people call the dreaded Sophomore Slump.  Pitchers and scouting reports just catch up to a hitter.  This won't happen to Billy.  He had his Sophomore Slump in July, August, and September.  Now, he's ready to go and he's gonna BABIP, walk, and run his way to a .330 OBP.  Some nerd should do a calculation to see what his WAR would be if he hit .270/.330/.400 with his defense and base running.

5.) The Louisville Bats will win the AAA National Championship.

The Reds will have two teams in their system win championships this year, and one will be the Louisville Bats.  They have the making of a stacked team.  Jesse Winker and some of the bats may not start there this year, but the pitching looks to be dominant.  Think of a rotation of Stephenson, Iglesias, Lorenzen, Moscot, and someone else, maybe Malholm?  I'm probably forgetting someone.  Just bank on it.  A trophy is coming to Louisville.

6.) Because numbers are dumb.

Yadier Molina will literally get shit on by someone or something this year because he is the toiletiest of all toilets.

WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAYS WITH TGIF PRESENTS!!!

Please?