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I'm the dumbest of the dumbs

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Woe is me. I'm really dumb.

Andy Lyons

Since everyone else is rehashing their five dumbest predictions, I'll go ahead and share how dumb I really am.  Every year before the season starts I'm an overly optimistic, and this season was no different then the rest.  Throw eggs at me if you must, but I'm prefer them scrambled and with cheese.

1. Jay Bruce will hit 45+ Homeruns and win the MVP

Aw damn.  Aw stupid dumb, dang, damn.  This was my big prediction, and it slipped on the ice and landed hard on it's butt.  Everyone knows that Jay struggled to start the year, then he tore his meniscus thingy, and he came back super quick.  He probably did it because the team lost Votto, and no one knew when he would be back.  When he came back from the DL he wasn't the same player he once was.  As of yesterday, Bruce has hit 18 home runs.  His OBP is under .300 and his OPS is hovering around .650.  His defense hasn't even looked good.  Sigh, 2014.  Rest up, rehab, and kill it in 2015.

2. Robert Stephenson will be called up in September to help anchor an already badass bullpen. He will be placed on the playoff roster and used like David Price in his first season.

You are about to notice a nice trend in this article.  My stupid dumb predictions were really stupid and dumb.  At the start of the season, I thought this was one of the safer calls.  Stephenson decided to prove me wrong.  Bob Steve never made it out of AA.  His ERA was just under 5, sitting at 4.74.  He walked way too many at 4.9 BB/9, and gave up quite a few homers.  His K/9 was at 9.2, so there is definitely things to look forward to next year.  He'll slide down the prospect lists, but his arm is still too good to ignore.  Next year, he'll anchor the Reds playoff rotation.  I swear it.

3. Aroldis Chapman is going to pitch 100 innings.

Aroldis Chapman put up one of the best seasons by a reliever ever.  That's really cool and I love it, but he only pitched 50 some innings.  He would have pitched more, but he zigged when he should have zagged in spring training and took a liner off his dome piece.  He missed a decent chunk of time, but most likely still would have only pitched 75 innings.  I was hoping Price would be revolutionary and pitch him in most high leverage situations, pitch two innings at a time, and maximize his value.  He does have 34 saves, which is cool, I guess.

4. Devin Mesoraco will hit 20 homeruns.

Hey!  I got one!  I got one!  WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  Devin Mesoraco actually has 25 dingers on the season, and he had two different DL stints.  He should be flirting with 30.  30 HOME RUNS FROM A CATCHER.  Devin has a 5.1 WAR, and his OPS is sitting around .900.  And if you believe BBRef's defensive ratings, he has been slightly above average at catcher.  GOLEM GOLEM GOLEM.

5. Phillip Ervin will finish the season in AAA.

Wah, this didn't happen, either.  Uncle Phil never left Dayton.  At the beginning of the season, we found out he underwent super secret wrist surgery in the off season.  That seems to have slowed his bat, but he did rebound towards the end.  Hopefully, he can move fast next year.  His OPS was still under .700 for the season, which isn't cool from a 21 year old in A ball.  He won't be breaking into the Top 100 prospects, but I'll still vote him around 5 or 6 for the Community Prospect Rankings.

6. Yadier Molina falls in a toilet and never gets out.

If you forgot my full prediction.

He tries to take a poop, and doesn't put the seat down. He falls in the water, his butt gets wet, and he is stuck to the toilet forever. He has to sit behind the plate on his porcelain throne. He has to bat hunched over with a toilet hanging off hit butt. Multiple surgeons give their opinion, but nothing can be done. It is too stuck and something modern science cannot comprehend. Plus, he's an ass. Everyone calls him Yadi Toilet for the rest of his life. In the end, the only person who will hire him are the Miami Marlins. They need another distraction, and the kids show up to watch him waddle with a toilet stuck to his butt.

I'm pretty sure this happened and someone shit on him.

Overall, you can see I didn't do very good.  You could say I batted a Zack Cozart (.200), which is good enough to be a MLB shortstop.  2014 sucks and I'm going to make even dumber predictions for 2015.