FanPost

Found: My Five Dumb Predictions

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via i1262.photobucket.com

It seems the folks at Red Reporter had a lot of dumb predictions at the beginning of the season. Some were right, some were wrong, all were dumb. I recently came across some papers tucked into the back of the Eric Davis biography I was reading at the beginning of the season. On it were five predictions, scribbled almost illegibly while in some kind of late-Spring Training boredom-induced fugue state. They took the form of Nostradamic quatrains and seem oddly prescient yet, in keeping with the theme of the 2014 season itself, entirely dumb. I present to you my 5 Dumb Predictions.

1.

His face shattered by flying sphere, lying motionless on the ground

Will return to make a mockery of his opponents and turn game into a farce,

With new weapons in his arsenal and renewed confidence found,

Consumes the enemy with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.

- I think this one was about Chapman, but it sounds pretty dumb. I guess I correctly predicted his injury and comeback, but I wasn’t even close to predicting he would set the single season K/9 record. And what’s that stuff about ass-lightning? So dumb.

2.

A lowly cobbler will appear, covered in soot and grit and grime,

To perplex and bewitch the local magistrate with his guile.

Averse to base and catching ball yet showered with playing time,

The townspeople weep and moan to learn he will be around for awhile.

- A cobbler is a shoemaker, but not sure where I was going with this one. We’ll Skip it.

3.

From the Great White North, the hero-warrior-poet appears, striking in appearance and deed,

But is gone too soon and can seldom be found among his men or seen to thrive.

A local Doc-tor questions the warrior’s loyalty and valor, but the Doc-tor is a fraud indeed

Prone to ramblings without integrity or thought and the people wise up and burn him alive.

- Seems like I was on the money about the Votto injury and reaction, but frustratingly wrong about the second part. Dumb.

4.

Among the ranks of warriors, the mighty will fall one by one, felled by disaster and luck,

And into their place will step a motley crew of men, bold and true, but lacking skill.

The Hun, the Jack-of-No-Trades, the Barnhand, the Dutchman, all will fail and all will suck.

Only Saint Iago and the Negron show signs of life, but not enough the void to fill.

- Ignoring its Shakespearean undertones, I’m pretty sure this one was pretty accurate on the state of the 2014 bench players. That is to say, it was dumb and they were dumb.

5.

The sorcerer with the mane of a lion and the smile of a thousand suns will finally have his day,

And prove to the salty pirate crew that he alone will stand against them and stand true.

But alas, the pirate crew prevails against his men and the lanky man from the West makes his play,

And still his island travels with the Welshman remain hidden from view.

- Cueto picked such a dumb season to become Johnny Beisbol. Predicting his 2014 line of 4-0, 1.89 ERA against the Pirates in the wake of the 2013 one-game playoff debacle was nice, but thanks to his team and a certain Dodger it was all for naught. And seriously, why have we still never seen the dumb footage of the time Chris Welsh hung out at Johnny’s mom’s house in the DR? That was like 3 dumb years ago.

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