The Waite Hoyt Memorial Honorary Exemplar of the Game
There's no such thing as free will. And I don't mean that in some attenuated, pseudo-intellectual way that makes you feel adventurous in a college seminar. What I mean is that an arbitrary, malevolent daemon known as Fortuna presides over our fate down to the hair. So it would be an entirely empty gesture for me to "choose" the highest priest from tonight's black mass. It was decided before the universe was birthed and each of you have been forced to wait billions of years just for this wretched news.
That's true, by the way, you can look it up.
- The 2014 Cincinnati Reds played the St. Louis Cardinals at Busch Stadium. From that information alone, you should be able to tell me the score and how many hits Matt Adams had.
- Tonight I bought a Kris Negron jersey at that Kris Negron Jersey Kiosk inside the Purple People Bridge. As I tried to stand with my crotch perfectly astride the Ohio-Kentucky border, I said to myself (and to the charging police), "Well, at least they probably won't play an extra inning game in which Matt Adams hits a tie-breaking single."
- I was wrong on several counts. And held on several more.
- Jay Bruce - who put the Reds up 4-3 and then tied the game at 5-5 - made a vain attempt to climb out of the cesspool of 2014 to create some momentary joy. The Reds' bullpen saw this and while it wasn't captured on camera, did several Bloody Maries into the bullpen mirror to bolster itself for the unspeakable obscenities it would commit on the field.
- Maybe one of you can answer this, am I supposed to have car insurance if I use my car primarily for resting drink on it?
- The Reds are 18-30 in one-run games. STATS, Inc. told me sometime around the mid-90s to stop calling them. But I don't need a look-up machine to tell you that's the worst there is.
- This never would have happened if the very fabric and governing laws of the universe were categorically different.
- Another tracks.