Yeah, it's me. So what?
I'd ask if any of you missed your old pal Fred, but I know you've all been too busy tearfully watching Joey Votto's Greatest Walks highlight tapes, lighting up your iCigarettes and surfing into social media. I made a list of other things you're doing that I hate, which I will put in the Appendix.
But allow me to throw in with a guy who actually knows how to win, Adam "Right Wai" Wainwright: "No, I do not like social media." Who says baseball isn't quotable anymore? I think I said that.
As you may know, I recently completed a long recovery from a bath salts addiction, which was chronicled extensively in the East Oakley Community Center Bulletin Board and Lost Pet Advisory. I wasn't snorting or smoking, mind you, but rather taking extremely long and fragrant baths. I was up to 4 hours and a full fleet of those little tugboats a day. I'm not proud, but there you go. The relaxation also turned me into a completely uninhibited zombie prone to roaming my neighborhood at all hours of the night.
In any case, let's get down to the heart of the matter. Even if you don't love me anymore, I'm still going to bloviate freely as is my third amendment right to do so.
Among the many things wrong with this Redlegs club, besides allowing Skip Schumaker ever to go on the disabled list, is that no one has learned to stand in the same spot for more than a few seconds before it's time to consult NASA , the star charts and Ryan Braun's palm readings in order to find the precise coordinates for each fielder.
I've got news for you: we figured that out in middle of the 19th century when Albert Spalding discovered an alternative to laying down and drinking a beer.
All this short-attention-span thrashing about the field violates the basic laws of symmetry and I'm sick of it.
But short of acquiring spine-having players who aren't afraid to stand their ground, this team will have to settle for some heart and contact hitting. If they want to retake the NL West from the Milwaukee Braves, they need to take every one of the following steps in order:
1. Install Skip Schumaker as player-manager.
2. Further install Skip Schumaker as GM-player-manager.
3. Allow 2-3 days for Skip Schumaker to improve the team
4. If team not sufficiently improved (unlikely), convert Homer Bailey to closer, Aroldis Chapman to starting pitcher
5. Aroldis Chapman is now a starting pitcher. Leverage this value to trade him to the Dodgers for Andre Ethier, Brian Wilson, Clayton Kershaw and Orel Hershiser
6. Trade Ryan Ludwick to the Tigers for Cecil Fielder.
7. Allow Skip Schumaker to make remaining improvements.
Problem solved and thank you checks expected. I'm going to go take a bath.
Fred Regorter is publisher-emeritus of Red Reporter and co-founder of the print edition of the Redleg Herald-Reporter. He also claims a disputed, non-controlling share of Red Reporter Weblog and French Chew Concern, Inc. You can reach him by mail at P.O. Box [redacted] c/o Van Lunens, East Cincinnati, OH 45218