We are now 10 days away from the non-waiver trade deadline. Of course, teams can and do trade players after that deadline, but it just gets more complicated. I guess. I don't really know why. So anyway, I know being the General Manager of a Major League baseball team can be a difficult job, so I took the liberty of writing up my ideas for the Reds here so Walt Jocketty and his baseball job folks can relax a bit and not put too much pressure on themselves. All they have to do is follow my lead here, and it will save the Reds, it will save their jobs, it will save money, and it will save them the time of doing it all themselves so they can enjoy some vacation time or something.
I've done up a few of these in the past, and the Reds haven't really responded. I don't know if maybe the blog-scanning intern didn't pass it along to Walt, or maybe he did and Walt didn't give it any attention, or whatever, but either way THIS IS THE PLAN FOR HTE REDS TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES THIS YEAR AND ALSO THE NEXT FEW YEARS AND MAYBE EVEN EVERY YEAR. Hopefully, that will get their attention and get this into the hands and brains of the right people. Nobody can ignore something said on the internet if it is said in all caps.
The Reds are now 2½ games out of first place in the NL Central, but they are in fourth place. This is a difficult position in which to be, as it seems they are well within striking distance of the division title but they also have to climb over a festering heap of ugly competition in order to get there. Should they buy or sell? Should they stick or pull the plug? Should they reach for the golden sandwich or just take a nap? All you idiots are lucky that I'm around, because if you were as smart as me you'd understand that they should - and can - do both. Idiots.
So here it goes. If they Reds do all of these moves, there is really no way they can lose.
Reds get: Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez
Rockies get: Sean Marshall, Zack Cozart, Skip Schumaker, and Carlos Gonzalez
This is the first domino that needs to fall. The Rockies are like the worst team in baseball right now and both Tulo and Cargo are no mo happy about go-go in slo mo. The Rockies should definitely try to rebuild, and getting rid of the massive money owed to Tulowitzki and Gonzalez is a great start.
The Rockies were interested in Sean Marshall back in December, and pretty much nothing has changed with him since then so I see no reason why they wouldn't still be interested in him. Cozart is an affordable replacement for Tulo, so they should like that. All outfielders hit like Gonzalez when they play in Colorado, like Corey Blackmon and Carlos Dickerson, so you just know that Schumaker will start hitting like an All-Star if he moves there. And the Reds have a minor league pitcher named Carlos Gonzalez, so that would be perfect.
Also, Marshall and Skip are making decent money, and Cozart will be doing so soon. So this move has the added benefit of shedding some unproductive salary. This is basically selling, but we won't tell the fans that. They would get all upset about it. We'll call it "resource allocation" or something suitably innocuous like that.
This makes so much sense for both sides. The Rockies get guys who will probably hit just as good as Gonzalez and Tulowitzki but for like ⅛ of the money and the Reds get the offensive upgrades they so sorely need. This is the perfect trade.
Now, I hear you saying, "DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH BUT CHARLIE WHAT ABOUT THE $$$??" and you really need to shut the fuck up. I'm getting to that. Just shut up.
Reds get: Ben Zobrist, David Price, Sean Rodriguez, and Jake McGee
Rays get: Steve Selsky, Jon Moscot, Didi Gregorius, and Justin Freeman
This is the second domino. With Brandon Phillips and Joey Votto on the disabled list for the foreseeable future, Zobrist and Rodriguez can step into the infield and fill in. McGee replaces the hypothetically-recently-departed Sean Marshall as the big lefty in the bullpen. Price is one of the best starters in baseball, and you can never have too much pitching. And getting him allows Alfredo Simon to return to the bullpen before he pumpkins. This is such a good move, I'm so psyched that I thought of it.
The Rays get a ton of great prospects, all of which have one important thing in common: they have all played really well in Pensacola. Selsky, Moscot, and Freeman are all playing really well in AA Pensacola right now, and as you know, Pensacola is in Florida. Just like Tampa. So you know the Rays are all smart in who they look for, and this totally seems like one of the weird extra 2% kinda things they would go after. Finding players who play well in Florida sounds like such a Tampa thing to do.
With Tulo in the starting lineup, there is no need to have Didi around anymore. We have a shortstop, so he becomes expendable. I don't even really know what he is doing this season, but either way, we don't need him.
So, under my plan, the Reds can field this kind of unstoppable team:
C - Devin Mesoraco
1B - Sean Rodriguez (until Votto comes back)
2B - Ben Zobrist (until BP comes back)
SS - Troy Tulowitzki
3B - Todd Frazier
LF - Carlos Gonzalez
CF - Billy Hamilton
RF - Jay Bruce
P - Johnny Cueto
P - David Price
P - Mat Latos
P - Homer Bailey
P - Mike Leake
RP - Aroldis Chapman
RP - Jonathan Broxton
RP - Jake McGee
RP - Sam LeCure
RP - Manny Parra
RP - Alfredo Simon
RP - JJ Hoover
This team would be so, so awesome. And yes, stupid, I still hear you saying, "BUT CHARLIE DUH DUH DUH WHAT BOUT THE $$$$??" and I swear to God if I could reach through the internet and slap you in the back of the head I would do it a jillion times. I'm getting to the money.
So getting Tulowitzki, Gonzalez, Zobrist, and Price would cost the Reds something enormous like at least a million dollars. But I learned a secret about making money that I'm willing to share with the Reds because I want so badly for my team to give me a World Series because I deserve it. So here's the secret:
Bet the max on the penny slots
Everybody knows that gambling is a waste of money, right? WRONG!! If you are losing money at gambling, you are just doing it wrong. See, a guy I work with shared with me his secret to success. When you go to the casino, you probably spend all your time at the card tables, the roulette wheel, and all the big money-sucking stupid games. You have to walk passed all that. The secret is to head straight for the penny slots. And I know what you are thinking, "DUH DUH DUH DUH PENNIES AREN'T MONEY LOL DUH" and I swear ... Listen to me, stupid. He told me if you play the penny slots, but you bet the maximum amount, which is like $1.40 or something, you'll win way more often than you'll lose. You won't win the big jillion-dollar jackpots, but you won't lose. It's fool-proof. So the Reds just need to get some interns or something to go down to the casino and bet the max on some penny slots. If we get enough people doing it for long enough, we'll easily be able to pay off what is owed to the new additions. And then we'll win the World Series and make a jillion more dollars. See? Fool-proof.