Yankees trade Ichiro to Cincinnati
I don't know if you guys have noticed, but there's a potential problem in the outfield for this year's Reds. Mr. Scrabbles is on record saying the team has not yet acquired its starting left fielder for the playoffs. I'm here to tell you it's Ichiro Suzuki. The aging speedster will fill in as needed in left and center. He'll also serve as the Senpai to young Quix's Kōhai. Don't worry, there's one more .300 season in those 40 year-old legs.
Jamie Moyer will pitch against the Reds
The Phillies have stealthily stashed the relatively live arm of Jamie Moyer with its broadcasters. But Ruben Amaro Jr. isn’t fooling anyone. An already thin pitching staff will start the year without Cole Hamels. By mid-May, things are getting desperate. At home against the Reds on May 16, the 51 year-old Moyer will start against 24 year-old Tony Cingrani. Moyer will slightly raise the team’s average age.
Zach Cozart will steal a base
Pretty bold, I realize, since Cozart just became the first Red in twenty years to not attempt steal a base while qualifying for the batting title. I think he’ll break the seal early, on April 13 against the Pirates.
Bill Hamilton will win the Redlegs 5-K Fun Run on May 31
There will be mass confusion at the starting line. The elite competitors are wondering what the hell is going on here, as team officials pore through Billy’s contract and the Collective Bargaining Agreement to see whether he is allowed to participate. They won’t find out in time. Billy will set an aggressive pace and take off from there, completing the 3.1 mile course in a blistering 14 minutes. The novice distance runner will later grin sheepishly at his worn out cleats, agreeing to wear normal running shoes next year.
Raylan Givens will casually mention that he tried out for the Reds
Everyone’s favorite lawman in tight jeans was a good high school player in Harlan County, Kentucky. Well, good in a beanbrawl, at least - he connected with Dickie Bennett’s knee mighty good way back when. His mercurial talent caught the eye of then-GM Jim Bowden, who worked out Givens in ‘94 while scouring Redsland for replacement players (the tryout will somehow organically come up in a conversation between Givens and a young, female prosecutor based in Cincinnati). Never one to turn down a television appearance, Bowden will make a cameo on Justified as an old acquaintance of Givens' and a rat of some type.