There is no baseball.
That's the scariest thing of them all.
But barring that, you may be going to a Halloween party. That's also scary! People are terrifying...what do I wear so that they don't judge me?
/makes tent from fingers
I got you right here. Here's how to dress like some of your favorite Reds, your less-favorite Reds, and other assorted baseballing characters.
Dylan Axelrod: Wear a rubber tire around your feet and around your shoulders. Also, have big curly hair and talk in weird aphorisms and phrases that juniors in college will love.
Homer Bailey: Wear $400 boots, a $800 cowboy hat, and nothing else. Have a friend give you a tattoo that goes from hip-to-armpit that reads "CAZADOR" because Homer actually has one of these. (Also, "Sexy Homer Bailey" is an awesome costume idea, even if you won't get hit on)
Aroldis Chapman: Go as King Midas, but everything your left hand touches turns into a fireball.
Danny Corcino: Same as below, but for smaller people.
Johnny Cueto: Wear a mop on your head...or actually, you know, don't. Just walk into a party and knock all the food off the table. Don't give out any candy if you're staying at home. Just ruin everyone's day.
Jumbo Diaz: Find the baggiest clothes you can find. No, baggier. C'mon, even baggier than that. You can go baggier. I know you can find baggier. Did you check out a goodwill or something? There's one by my house, check it out. I can' give you a ride. Then you get to the party and Jumbito's there and he's like "That's not very baggy at all."
David Holmberg: Wear a blond pigtail on your right, a payes on your left, and say "gravlax? lox? Nu, it's all the same to me!" Also look twice your age.
J.J. Hoover: Spend the night talking about your parents' divorce, your girlfriend's prison sentence, and how your kid as pneumonia. Just bum everyone out.
Mat Latos: A friend of mine once came to Halloween as a coloring book. He wore 5-7 white t-shirts and brought markers with him, and anyone could draw on him. It was great, everyone loved it. Anyways, Latos is the same costume but with one shirt and a way bigger party.
Mike Leake: He came with Mat Latos and said that Mat should wear these five t-shirts or at least hold onto 'em for a little while.
Sam LeCure: Never stop hanging out with attractive people, tell all the best jokes, and crush light beers. You're basically Ethan Hawke with a two-seamer.
Sean Marshall: Wear a $3,000 hand-made Italian suit. Get a rip in the seat and wear it like that all party.
Logan Ondrusek: "Who invited that dude?" "I dunno, I think he lives here." "Oh? I thought he was dating someone." "Has anyone talked to him?" "No."
Jon Broxton: Great couples costume!
Devin Mesoraco: Cover yourself in blood. File your teeth into razors. Wear snakes in your hair. Cover yourself in werewolf fur. Put a chainsaw on your genitalia. Wear steel-toed boots. Take vengeance on your persecuted ancestors. There, now you're halfway there.
Brayan Pena: Wear Popeye Arms and Bob the Enzyte Guy's smile. Bring fresh-baked cookies to the party.
Joey Votto: Wear New Balances and just walk around the party all day. Just keep on walking. All. Damn. Day.
Brandon Phillips: I'm thinking something like this guy, complete with all-red clothing. Just with more doubles.
Zack Cozart: Cover yourself in glue. Condensed milk, if you have pets. Don't do anything all party. Also, have great teeth.
Todd Frazier: Host the party and get hired cars to bring everyone there and back. Pay for the open bar for all of your guests. Remember everyone's name, ask them how their children are doing, and have dog treats available for pets. Absolutely slay "Party in the USA" at the Karaoke machine you brought, but also turn it over to the house band, which is actually Cab Calloway (who you went through the trouble to re-animate a few days before) and his orchestra. That's the only way to live like Todd Frazier.
Ramon Santiago: Bring over Dominican food that your wife cooked for everyone. Don't do much or talk to anyone all party, but when a reveler's dress catches fire at the end of the night threatening to burn down the building, casually put it out.
Jake Elmore: C'mon, don't be Jake Elmore. Nobody knows who that is.
Kris Negron: Show up 3 hours late but bring a handle of tequila and tell a ridiculous, awesome, hilarious story on why you're late that has everybody floored.
Donald Lutz: Grow ridiculous moustache. Tweet out the party under the #Halloween2014 hashtag. Wear a German flag, but in a cool, totally approachable, way.
Jay Bruce: Go as a golden retriever. It's the dog you grew up with, that you played fetch with as a kid and who cuddled with you on the couch when your first boyfriend dumped you. The dog was jumping at the door when you visited home from college, and it barked happily when everyone clapped as you kissed your husband at your wedding. That's your costume, except you're that dog being explained trigonometry and just can't figure it out for the life of ya.
Billy Hamilton: Don't bring anything to the party, but take everyone else's booze and chips. When they get wise, run out before you get caught.
Jesse Winker: Don't show up to the party, but have everyone at the party talk about how excited they are for you to come next year.