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Stop it right now

I mean it.

The first thing is to stop pitching underhand. Why did you start pitching underhand?
The first thing is to stop pitching underhand. Why did you start pitching underhand?
Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODA

Folks, I couldn't help but come out of self-imposed retirement and weigh in on struggles of our beloved, bedraggled Redlegs. For those who were wondering: I've been spending my time catching up on radio theater and volunteering twice a month at a second-hand food outlet.

Speaking of which, I almost regorted my dinner watching last night's game. It was actually Fourth Meal, but the point still stands. If this team wants me to be able to keep my Fritos Moca Burritos down, they're going to have to start stopping what they're doing. Right now.

Let me tell you what I mean. Geraldo Chapman's collosal failure to throw harder than 98 miles per hour to Chris D'Onofrio was just the icing on the cake. And it's a cake made out of cream cheese icing and wallpaper paste. Do you like cream cheese icing? I don't. I'll bet Geraldo does, which is why he was in such a hurry get the game over with.

But I'm not going to put the blame on the Buena Wrista Crucial Sub - even if the Closer is the most important position on the team. There's plenty of finger-pointing (down the gullet) to go around. Oh yeah, Don Gullet.

Step One, if I'm Dustland "Home Run" Baker, is remove all desserts from the locker room. Including yogurt. I don't care if it have pro-bionic properties. It's time to get on a steady diet of red meat, gruel and amphetamines.

Step Two is to start thievin'. If just one Redleg had stolen home last night, they might have at least made it to extra innings. Instead, they goose-stepped it to a goose egg in the SB category. If I had my hand at the tiller, this team would be snatching so many bags they'd need a Bag Hutch just to store them in.

Step Three is to manafacture some runs any which way you know how. They say that manafacturing is dead in this country. That we oughta sit and wait around for the three-run exotic investment product to save us. I say bah to that. And "barf," also.

The big fly is giving this team malaria. The Redlegs are 5th in the NL in HRs and all it's gotten them is 4th in the league in runs/game.

But what's more important than what they've done all season is what they've done lately: 4 runs in the last 40 innings. If you're counting along at home, that's a rate of 4 runs/40 inning unit. Maybe they don't print that stat on your latest edition of FanGrabs, but it should be a wake-up call to all you namby-pampy rim-tim-tims who think hitting with a teammate in your field of vision is some kinda statistical bleep-blorp.

One more stat: Red batsmen were 0-for-5 with Runners In Scoring Position last night. They call it RISP in the box score. And you better show it some RISP-ect

...pause for laughter...

or it's going to smack you sideways into a competitive race for a playoff spot, instead of a comfortable lead on a playoff spot.

So stop it. Right now. Don't make stop what I'm not doing and start doing this again.