Red Reporter Notcast

You're not going to be able to download a podcast of us this week and there's good reason for that. We decided that we would invite our good friend Farneyismycopilot to our podcast since our podcast with The Vole went swimmingly earlier this month. Without placing any blame on any particular individual, you can say that is where the problems started. These problems were compounded by the presence of an unprecedented four people in the studio as well as KevinMitchellisBatman via Skype. What started as an unscheduled podcast about the Cincinnati Reds quickly devolved into two simultaneous discussions that, frankly, are impossible to edit into some coherent structure.

Therefore, in lieu of uploading our podcast to iTunes (and practically guaranteeing ourselves an "EXPLICIT" tag on that medium, we have decided to indefinitely postpone release of it. Instead, I offer you a typed version of the events that unfolded in the studio earlier this week. That being said, it probably isn't accurate enough to qualify as a transcript of this Lost Episode, but it also doesn't deviate enough to qualify as Fan Fiction (SORRY, SICKOS). We will be returning to our normal and marginally-higher quality podcasts in short order. Until then, please enjoy The Lost Episode:

BK: Welcome to another edition of the Red Reporter Podcast, I am BK in the studio. Alongside me here, as always, is FordhamRam. Also with us in the studio is "Man Bear Pig."

-ManBearPig: Dash Man Bear Pig.

FordhamRam: Do you pronounce the dash?

BK: Yeah, I always thought it was minus Man Bear Pig.

-ManBearPig: It's a dash. And you don't necessarily pronounce it, but you acknowledge it.

BK: Right, -ManBearPig. Also, on Skype we also have KevinMitchellIsBatman.

KevinMitchellIsBatman: Hello, everyone? How are we all doing?

-ManBearPig: Groovy, Mibby.

FarneyIsMyCopilot: T*TS!

BK: And that voice you just heard is our special guest this week. You can follow him on Twitter @Farney_Fool. He's sometimes on our site under the name "FarneyIsMyCoPilot." We call him Farney. Say hello, Farney!

Farney: F*CK.

FordhamRam: Aaaaand there goes our "all ages" tag on iTunes.

KMIB: Well, that knocks us down to 7 downloads this week.

FordhamRam: Eight, if we remind Angeeh that you're on.

KMIB: Right.

Farney: YEAH. T*TS!

BK: So, let's actually just start on a few topics involving the Reds.

Farney: YEAH! Red Skelton! He's a clown! Like Bret Bielema! G*ddamn pig.

FordhamRam: Red Skelton? Is that what would happen if the Bengals crossbred their quarterbacks Andy Dalton and John Skelton?

BK: (audible sigh)

-MBP: Red Skelton was the original Insane Clown Posse.

KMIB: I actually remember when two people were stabbed at a Wendy's here in Denver after an ICP show.

Farney: Dave Thomas can eat a bag of d*cks.

KMIB: Yeah, it was totally weird. It was right after the Rockies beat the Giants in San Francisco 2-1. Jason Hammel went 6 2/3 innings and only gave up one run.

-MBP: Did Matt Belisle pitch?

KMIB: He did in fact pitch. He went two innings and struck out 3.

BK: I know he's a former Red, but perhaps we can talk about current Reds.

-MBP: We can talk about players we'd like on the Reds who are on other teams.

BK: Let's do that.

-MBP: Speaking of players on the Rockies, we can see if we can land someone like Michael Cuddyer.

FordhamRam & KMIB: (simultaneously) Cuddyer? We hardly even know her!

KMIB: When I think of Michael Cuddyer, I think of someone who has decent-to-good OBP albeit somewhat inflated this year by Coors. His numbers this year are mind-boggling.

-MBP: Mindsploding?

FordhamRam: When I think of Michael Cuddyer, I think of incredibly marginal Minnesota Twins teams of the early aughts.

Farney: "Aughts?" You turd.

BK: Yeah, he's having a pretty solid year in Denver which will probably raise the asking price out of the Reds' range. He's also 34 years old which means . . .

FordhamRam: We're getting another Ryan Ludwick-type despite the fact we may be getting him back in the near future.

BK: Yeah, that. What do we all think about Ryan Ludwick? What sort of expectations do we have for him this year?

KMIB: My expectation for him is to be, essentially, first half of 2012 Ryan Ludwick. Of course, that may still be better than watching Xavier Pumpkin Paul and Derrick Robinson everyday. Though, if he's healthy, I'd like to see Chris Heisey as much as possible.

Farney: That hemp necklace Heisey wears makes him look like some dumb stoner who decided to blow his stupid paycheck at Ron John Surf Shop.

-MBP: And?

FordhamRam: I'd also like to see Heisey a bit more, but I really think what you see is what you get from him. He's a great backup outfielder when healthy because he can play CF. However, he's probably not going to outperform a healthy Ludwick.

-MBP: But that's assuming Ludwick is healthy. He'll probably have very little power from the shoulder injury.

FordhamRam: I agree completely.

KMIB: Yeah, I think Ludwick is slowly devolving into what I thought he'd end up being last year. Paul and Robinson aren't professional everyday outfielders but they serve a purpose. Paul's numbers as a pinch hitter this season have been very good and it's always beneficial to have a left-handed bat off the bench. Though, you can argue that is a small sample size as was the case of Chris Heisey's reverse splits in 2012. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Heisey will probably put up more WAR this half than Ludwick due to health alone. It kind of reminds me of the spirited debate of the 2006 Colorado Rockies. You had Cory Sullivan, Brad Hawpe, Choo Freeman, and Ryan Spilborghs all competing for 2 outfield slots. In the end, Sullivan because of his +D, and Hawpe prevailed. However, Spilborghs still put up some decent numbers that year.

BK: I think we've named more former Rockies this podcast than former Reds. Perhaps we should send this to Purple Row.

FordhamRam: Purple row? Isn't that what they call the line of houses owned by Elder Alumni for the sole purpose of watching games from their back porches at the Pit?

Farney: I met some of those guys once. They're a bunch of f*cksticks. Glowing f*cksticks.

-MBP: (giggles)

BK: You're going to have some fun time editing this FordhamRam.

FordhamRam: Yeah, this isn't going to be fun.

BK: I know. Usually, you just edit this stuff to eliminate the random curse words.

-MBP: And to edit your dumb comments.

BK: Yeah, and to take out most of the awkward silences you create with your comments.

Farney: I need another beer. Someone give me one.

BK: Odd. This wasn't this way when we had The Vole on.

FordhamRam: Voley wasn't drunk and there weren't five of us talking over each other for thirty minutes.

Farney: You guys suck. I've done podcasts before, so it's totally on all y'all.

FordhamRam: Did your podcasts consist of twenty minutes of "Michigan sucks" followed by ten minutes making fun of Rich Rodriguez?

Farney: Yeah, but we had a chemistry going.

BK: Okay, I think this will just about wrap it up. I want to apologize if any of you ever have to hear this thing. I'm also sorry we didn't talk that much about the Reds on a Reds podcast. We'll try better next week, when more than 50% of our panel is sober. For KMIB, -MBP, FordhamRam, and our guest Farney, I am BK and we'll see you later.