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29 Reds and Their Dog Equivalents

This is the dumbest thing I have ever written. And I once wrote a one-act play where the Devil bargains Jocketty for Arroyo's soul.

Jonathan Daniel

Bronson Arroyo – Treeing Walker Coonhound: Will hump anything with a pulse. Is basically indestructible. Considers the question of "Can I stick my teeth or my penis into you?" a false dichotomy.

Homer Bailey – Bavarian Mountain Hound: Bred for generations for the sole purpose of exterminating weak and wounded animals. "The Bavarian Mountain is not suited for city life. It is in regular need of space and exercise and also requires regular brushing. They are not dogs for the casual hunter. Most are owned and used by foresters and game wardens."

Jonathan Broxton – Newfoundland: Enormous. Has no emotions. Notable for their seasonal undercoat.

Aroldis Chapman – Ibiza Hound: Fast, preening, and notable for having an incredibly strong prey drive: "cannot be left off the leash for fear how they may treat smaller animals" sounds about right. Playful to the point of inscrutable, they are considered bad luck to kill in Ibiza, instead dropped off to the other side of the island in the hopes that someone else will take them in. If that last sentence doesn’t sound relevant yet, just wait a few years.

Tony Cingrani – Siberian Husky: Blue eyes looking for murder, sharp teeth looking for meat. Hyper-intelligent to the point that you have to worry about the dog getting bored with you. Basically the best dog.

Johnny Cueto – Portuguese Water Dog: Notable for their undeniably goofy, but incredibly badass, "Lion cut". Often have their athleticism and general fluffiness confused for fatness. Bond to a particular alpha male (i.e. Dusty, Obama) and will be ruthless in their protection of him. Bo would throw inside on anyone’s candy-ass.

J.J. Hoover – St. Bernard: Dusty Baker tucked his chin into his scarf and wished he had brought a thicker hat. The snow was whirling around as thick as sand at the beach – a humorous image at this point – and the last of the toothpicks flew from his mouth off the mountainside hours ago. "I was supposed to be in Pere du Lac three innings ago…what do I do know?!" he thought in a panic. There was nobody and no thing within view. But wait..what was that? A shadow of something inched its way closer to him. "Follow me, Skip," the shadow said. "I can get you there from here." The shadow laid down a small barrel of brandy and turned around. Dusty could just make out a number 60 on the shadow’s back.

Mat Latos – Rhodesian Ridgeback: "Strong-willed, intelligent, and has a penchant for mischief." But still, capable of fighting a lion undaunted. So just be very happy that it’s a prick for your side.

Mike Leake – Russell Terrier: Awww, look at the little guy! He’s just trying as hard as he can out there. Look at the fella run around and be part of the pack. Awww, this little fella, you guys. Check out this guy.

Sam LeCure – Border Collie: Intelligent, hard working, and allergic to too much down time. Adorably shaggy and loyal, probably the dog most likely to take a bullet for you. You’ll cry the rest of the night, but it’ll take a bullet for you.

Sean Marshall – Standard Poodle: Elegant and long-limbed, is probably more well-known for being a luxury than for being actually a really good dog. You’ll get crap from your friends for having one, but you’ll appreciate having a Sean Marshall around.

Logan Ondrusek – Great Dane: Very long. Very short shelf-life. Plays well with smaller dogs and/or Mike Leake. Walks too many times to be effective.

Alfredo Simon – Neapolitan Mastiff: Enormous. Has something weird going on in the face region. Used to go under a different name. More likely than not killed a guy. [only barely related , but the "notes about player names" page on BBR is a fun one]

Ryan Hanigan – Bouvier des Flandres: Not as athletic as other dogs, but has its shit together. A herding dog and preternatural alpha, it keeps other animals in line. The dog you absolutely want to defuse a bomb with the president’s life on the line.

Corky Miller – Schnauzer: A herding dog’s herding dog. Great with kids. Whiskers.

Devin Mesoraco – Black Dog: Possibly an evil spirit, doing the bidding of its master. We keep on hearing about how it’s such a fearsome thing, but to be quite honest, the jury’s still out.

Joey Votto – Cane Corso: Brilliant. Hard-working. Italian. Vicious when it needs to be, loving when it needs to be. Around for a long, long, time. You hear a lot of fearsome stories about it, but then you realize that those are all from its enemies. You don’t want to be this dog’s enemy.

Brandon Phillips – Corgi: Loving and loves to be at the center of attention. Made for Twitter. Enjoys playing dumb from time to time, but is actually quite brilliant. Incredibly athletic, of course, but there are concerns about ability to move laterally, as well as somewhat limited range, generally speaking

Zack Cozart – Scottish Terrier: Rangy and intelligent, but that’s kind of about it. Looks like the sort of dog you want, and isn’t exactly the kind of dog you don’t want. But after a few years of this dog, you’re already starting to think about what kind of dog you’re going to get next.

Todd Frazier – Weimaraner: Super-athletic. Ultimate chick-magnet. Weimar is kind of the Jersey of Germany, I guess.

Jack Hannahan – Labrador Retriever: This is the replacement-level dog, the kind of dog you think of if you are told to think of a dog and have a gun to your head. There is nothing remarkable about this dog.

Cesar Izturis – Pomeranian: You do not want this dog.

Jay Bruce – Golden Retriever: The comparison that started it all. Easygoing, lovable, and really susceptible to abuse. Lovely hair. Jay Bruce is actually a golden retriever. There is no joke here.

Shin-soo Choo – Sapsaree: Again, great hair. "Innate patience" also sounds about right. Famed for their ability to dispel ghosts, including the Curse of Mike Cameron that has struck every other centerfielder in the 21st century. An incredibly underrated dog.

Donald Lutz – German Shepherd: There. That one was easy.

Xavier Paul – Pitbull: Stocky and a little bit goofy-looking, but undeniably powerful and useful. A very misunderstood breed (and honestly, if you can understand XP’s Loosyana accent you’re doing better than me). In-and-out of bad owners’ hands, this is a great dog that often can be found in a "free to a good home" sort of setting.

Derrick Robinson – West Highland White Terrier (Westy): "Oh, you have a dog? Where is it? Can I play with him?" "Well, he’s either sleeping or hiding under the couch. I’m sure he’ll come out eventually. He’s really sweet. Or at least was last time I saw him. You’ll probably really like him."

Chris Heisey – Cocker Spaniel: Not nearly a great of a dog as most dogs, but still, undeniably, a dog. More about perceived production than actual production. People keep on arguing that it’s better than Drew Stubbs, a Springer Spaniel, but they’re pretty much the same goddam dog. This all sounds pretty negative, but if you go to someone’s house with a Cocker Spaniel, you’re going to enjoy yourself.

Billy Hamilton – Italian Greyhound: Small and friendly. Great with kids, but worries about injury-proneness. Extraordinarily fast with a high prey-drive, they’re pretty much awesome dogs. They just need some care in the early-going.