Top Things to Say If They're Ragging on Your Team

The Reds aren't really struggling. But since everything that happens, for some amount of time, is the most recent thing that has happened, it only takes one loss to seem like it.

They haven't won since Tuesday, here's a survival guide.

10. "Look at the BABIP"

The important thing is to not get cornered into explaining BABIP. Not because you can't, but because you shouldn't. If you say this this right, you can shame them into not asking. If someone asks, just loudly pour something.

9. "Yea, but remember (year previous to 2013)"

If you can't remember a season that would apply, then just pick a year before most people were born. 1914, for instance. If you can't think of a year, then maybe it's time to reconsider everything you're doing.

8. "He's a slow starter"

Despite exposing yourself to a potentially brutal "that's what she said," this one usually works. Only the most agile surfers of the BaseballReference mobile site will be able to refute your claims before you drop into the half pipe.

7. "It's a long season"

And it's a long life. I've got plenty of time to get a "real job" and the Reds have plenty of time to start slamming it.

6. "I mean it, I'm going to switch over to Bob Uecker if you don't stop"

5 & 4. "There are a lot of injuries/There are injuries to important players"

This is almost always true in every sport, from jai-alai to competitive erector set. If you blank on who the important injured player is, the most statistically frequent name in baseball is Juan "King" Johnson.

3. "We're all one"

Or some other zen koan/college dorm pseudo-wisdom. It will at least momentarily derail the conversation and hopefully reduce everyone to tears with the realization that when they speak ill of others, they're really speaking ill of themselves.

2. "It's (today's date)"

It's early for another few months, so get some mileage out of this.

1. "I don't care, shut up, let's listen to rock."

Sometimes it's best to undermine the entire premise of the argument and put on a Genesis album.