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Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 04/14/13

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Always making an effort . . . but just coming up a bit short.
Always making an effort . . . but just coming up a bit short.
Justin K. Aller

Monday: Keep the Nonsense, Skip the Bayless

Remember those old Miller Lite commercials where two people argue over whether Miller Lite is superior because of "Great Taste" or "Less Filling?" (Editor's note: it's neither.) Well, the makers of that commercial have decided to foray into the world of baseball with the debut of MLB Now. MLB Now features sabermetric aficionado Brian Kenny debating "old school" enthusiastic sexual harasser Harold Reynolds about baseball, statistics, and player performance. (Editor's note: but seriously, who didn't get fired for sexual harassment from ESPN ten years ago?) The show has dawn some praise for essentially being more high brow than ESPN's First Take. Then again, ESPN's First Take makes CrossFire look like a recreation of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Here's a sampling of what you'll find in an MLB Now discussion:

1. Brian Kenny: "Joey Votto is great because of his astronomically high on base percentage."

2. Harold Reynolds: "Joey Votto is great because he draws so many walks."

3. Kenny: "High OBP."

4. Reynolds: "Draws walks."

5. Reynolds and Kenny simultaneously: "High OBP BECAUSE he draws walks."

6. (mind-blown.gif)

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Tuesday: Long In The Tooth Island

Old baseball players don’t retire, they just sign with the Long Island Ducks. Long a refuge for level-headed personalities such as Ricky Henderson and John Rocker, the Long Island Ducks added to their nature preserve this week by signing Vladimir Guerrero. Vlad, who, at age 38, is still more productive offensively than his brother, former Red, Wilton Guerrero was in his prime. Guerrero will join another former Red, Dontrelle Willis, on the Ducks this season. April 26 marks the fourteenth home opener for the Long Island Ducks; which gives each player enough time to show off that they have the ability to start 130 games for either the Marlins or the Astros.

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Wednesday: Too soon.

For Reds fans and frequenters of the Cincinnati Zoo, this commentary hit a little too close to home. #NeverForget

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Thursday: Comment of the Week


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Friday: Troll On, My Wayward Son.

It’s hard for us here to figure out when exactly Lance McAlister decided that trolling correlated to higher Arbitron ratings. Regardless on when that exactly occurred, McAlister has turned it into an art form. Whether it’s predictably pitting Buckeye fans against Bearcat fans, Xavier v. UC, or UK vs. everyone else, Lance knows how to press the buttons of those carrying severe inferiority complexes. This is no different during baseball season when Lance preys upon the weakest of Reds fans, those who buy into the hype of how fantastic St. Louis fans are. While this navel gazing exploration is a nice change of page from the frequent #FARRDUSTY and #WHERESVOTTOSPOWER arguments, it’s still profoundly awful. Talking about how bad your fans are is no way to cure little brother syndrome or even propagate the myth that you have some of the best fans in baseball. Right, C.Trent?

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Saturday: D.L. Hugely.

We here at RIWIAW make it a habit of complaining about, but not personally acknowledging internet trolls (well, at least the ones that do not work for the Cincinnati Enquirer or 700 WLW). Thus, we’d be remiss if we failed to mention how much we absolutely love reporting on Dusty-Hate stemming the Reds’ decision to not put Sean Marshall on the disabled list until now. After all, it is the decision for the manager and not the General Manager who makes the personnel moves not associated with whomever bats second. But hey, who ever let the facts get in the way of some good Twitter #Butthurt? For a solid explanation of how mildly incompetent the Reds have been with the disabled list over the past year, check out kcgard2’s piece on the matter. Or, just follow some of those twitter accounts that the Southern Poverty Law Center has labeled as "hate groups" and replace "Dusty" with "Walt Jocketty. Presto!

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Sunday: Baseball is a Cruel Goddess.

After losing five games in a week, it's difficult to watch more Reds baseball. It's tough to listen to the radio about who needs to be fired after twelve games. It's not easy to ponder how the Reds are going to overcome injuries to Ludwick, Cueto, and Marshall. However, this doesn't mean you'd want to watch this on national television instead of just about anything else.