via www.shoelessjoejackson.com

Howdy y'all, utcha doon? Thes fahn folk here at'n Red Reportah dun'n aseked me ta rite up on mah old frens in Cheecago. Well that jes dills mah pickle, yaknow. Ben a long tahm sinse anybody let me roun baseball. Thes heres mor citin than snuff an not near as dusty. Now, I un don red nor rite too gud, nor syfer neither, but I reckon I maht could give er a try.

Fah starts ah telly'all bout thems whut they got playin inny outfield. Nah, you nows ah wassin a purdy good outfielder in mah day. Not tah git bove mah raisin, but ah wuz finer'n frog hair, beleeve you me. These boys they get now, ah dunno. Seem ol Mistauh Comissky done went and got im some mahgrants for his outfield. Not one dang name ah no from Adam's dog, annay all sound lahk Messicans. Viciedo, De Aza, Rios. Ah don no bout this one bit. Now, theyis fastuh 'n green grass threw ah goose, but ain't got one idear bout tha strike zone between em. Mistauh Comissky need sum good ol' boys outnthere what to show em howun yah take a pitch.

Thuthere infield's anotha tale to tell tho. Lass yer they haddon Polack whut was catchin, an man he had hisself a good ol good one. Now they dun gone and swap the Polack out for a man whut calls hisself Flowers. Now whut kinna man call hisself Tyler Flowers and spect youn not no he's some kinna Soddomide. Bles his heart, he useful assa screen door onna canoo too. Now overn first bas, wich I also playin my day, they gottun called Konerko. His swing so pretty itta make a houndog smile, but hesa gittin purty ol. They gott anutha migrant playin shourt, an at thir is Keppinger. Now I no y'all no Keppinger might well, so ya no thet dog don hunt.

Fore in we git further, anna speakin on dogs, ah'd like to show y'all mah bluetick coon, ol' Buck:

via a1.cdnsters.com

Aint he jes cuter an bugs butt? Ah namen him fer mah ol teammate Buck, who get bannd wit me back'n 21.

Now theyatell me that'n they got thes what they call tha Desergnadded Hidder, what git ta bat but don play no pessition nohow. They call im Dunn, ann ah gess thets cause all he Dunn dew is strahk out. Ah strahk out two hunnern thutty two tahms inna thurteen yars playin; parently this boy done strahk out twohunnern twenny two tahms jes las yar! Ah swanee, ah don' no whut tha game is commin to.

Now, lessen on whut ah no bout theyun pitchers. They gotta bot called Sale; ah hear hes a goodun, but ah hope hes not plannin on doin no "sale" a no games. Ah mean, thats whut theun bannd me for, even tho ah dint sale out no games no how; the Eyetalians anna jew name of Chick thems whut did it.

theys also gotta guy name ah Jake Peavy whut had a goodun lest yer. But Peavy gittin old, anna rest of em aint so gud. Ah here sum pepple sayin Peavy mite haveun gud yer agin, but ah say mites don fly this time a yar. If he don, thet bullpen gonna be busyer then a one arm paper hanger wit crabs.

Ah boyun name a Addison Reed set tah be tha closer. Backn mah day we ain't had no use for no closer, an bessides ah never culd reed so well, so ah ain't got much a say on him. The other boys seem like nice enuf fellas, and there only but one mahgrant name a Hector Santiago, so I reckon they be alright.

Well, ah no this ain't tha mos fancy preevew on yah sight, but ah hopen y'all joyed it. I ain't fraid ta tella wurld that it don take skool stuff ta help a fella play ball, an not to talk onnit neither. Ah joyed this mensley, an ah hoppin you did as much. Don take no woodn nickles, an y'all come back right soon, here?