Weekend Update's 2013 Preview of the New York Yankees

Chris McGrath

Seth: Well, it's almost baseball season here in New York City. Unfortunately, our regular sports correspondent is out of commission this season having recently been imprisoned for child heroin trafficking. So, instead, we have asked our city correspondent Stefon to give us a preview of the 2013 New York Yankees! Hey, Stefon!


Stefon: Hi, Seth.


Seth: Stef. . . That was unnecessary. Stefon, a lot of people here, myself included, are baseball fans. What are some things you can tell us about the Yankees this season?

Stefon: Well, Seth, I don't know that much about the game of baseball, but I can tell you plenty about all the people I've met this season claiming to be members of the Yankees.

Seth: Uh, I guess that can work. After all, being a Red Sox fan myself, I know a bit about the Yankees. I'll tell you what, I'll intercede from here and there if you need help, okay?

Stefon: Okay. Whatever you say, sweatermeat.

Seth: Uh, sure. What can you tell us about, a former favorite player of mine, Kevin Youkilis. You know, Youkilis could be primed for a comeback season this year after he revitalized his career in Chicago a bit late last season.

Stefon: Ah, I met Kevin Youkilis at Alphabet City's newest bar called Western Wall.

Seth: I guess that makes sense. That sounds like the type of nice place I can take my Jewish grandmother.

Stefon: Yeah, it is. Western Wall has everything. High school. TV/VCR Repair. Computer programming.

Seth: That doesn't sound like a Jewish history themed bar. That sounds like a Sally Struthers commercial.

Stefon: Oh, it is. It's inspired.

Seth: Why is it called Western Wall?

Stefon: Oh, it has nothing to do with Judaism, other than Manischewitz flavored wasabi peanuts. It's called Western Wall because on the western wall of the bar, it projects a Billy Martin George Steinbrenner Miller Lite commercial on a loop. Although, Youkilis has a new bar now though that caters exclusively to Boston fans. I met him and his backup Jayson Nix there last week.

Seth: I had no clue there is a new Red Sox themed bar in town! That's great! What can you tell me about it?

Stefon: Oh, it has everything Boston deserves. Peppermint screwdrivers. Ring pops. Mini crab grass.

Seth: What is mini crab grass?

Stefon: Oh, it's when you shave the small of a midget's back who needs louse shampoo and then you duct tape it to your front lawn. .


Seth: That sounds horrible and not very family-friendly, Stefon. And the idea of a peppermint screwdriver just sounds like a mean trick. Speaking of unpopular things, what can you tell us about Alex Rodriguez? He's been a bit embattled this offseason after problems with his charity and drug rings.

Stefon: Oh, that sounds bad. I met A-Rod four nights ago at "Suzie Orman's Last Crusade." Located in an abandoned restroom in Central Park, it known for its popular HGH Cocktail.

Seth: Wait, did you say you've seen Alex Rodriguez frequent a bar that serves Human Growth Hormone Cocktails?

Stefon: No. Not Human Growth Hormone Cocktails. Hermit Growth Hormone Cocktails.

Seth: What's a Hermit Growth Hormone Cocktail?

Stefon: You know, that's that thing where you remove benign cysts from subway hermits living on abandoned D Train platforms, boil the cysts down, and then drink them with absinthe and crushed pills that chemically mirror the hormonal levels of Kathleen Turner.

Seth: That may be the most disgusting thing you've ever told me, Stefon.

Stefon: Yeah. It's bad. But it's nowhere near as awful as what happened when Yankee first baseman Mark Teixeira injured his forearm.

Seth: I heard about that. He's going to miss approximately eight to ten weeks after hearing a pop in his wrist during batting practice.

Stefon: No, he didn't injure it from batting practice. It's a re-aggravation of arm problems stemming from a long night at Pluto's Retreat.

Seth: Plato's Retreat is still open? I thought Giuliani closed it. Also, I didn't know that Teixeira was into that sort of thing.

Stefon: He's not. And Plato's Retreat is still open, it's just disguised as a Duane Reade pharmacy bathroom in Chelsea. Teixeira was at a place called Pluto's Retreat. At Pluto's Retreat, you're placed in a MMA octogon and forced to serpentine as thirteen pitbulls wearing masks from The Disney Store attempt to pin you down for forty-seven seconds.

Seth: That really is awful and not the type of season preview we're looking for.

Stefon: But it's all I know. Awwwwww.


Seth: Well, what can you tell me about Derek Jeter this season? He was able to play 159 games last year while finishing seventh in MVP voting with and OBP of .362

Stefon: Well, Derek Jeter is such New York royalty that even I cannot get into the clubs he frequents. I just have go off of hearsay from the bouncer at Storage Bin #2

Seth: You know the bouncer? I would think that if you knew the club security, you'd be able to sneak in.

Stefon: Oh no, the bouncer at Storage Bin #2 isn't security, he's the guy who . . .


who . . .


walks around shirtless and abducts random stars and starlets and throws them into the ballpit in the middle of the room. And who is that in the corner dancing all by himself just waiting to be abducted so he can meet someone relevant? Why, it's Nathan Lane auditioning for Tyler Perry's Robert Moses biopic.


Seth: I'd have to be a bit concerned about power numbers from the outfield if I'm a Yankee fan. If Curtis Granderson is healthy, he may be the only real source. Ichiro, Brett Gardner, and newcomers Juan Rivera and Matt Diaz aren't going to combine for many home runs.

Stefon: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Matt Diaz is already fitting in well with the local club scene. In fact, he was the life of the party last night at the opening of The Burt Locker.

Seth: The Burt Locker?

Stefon: Yeah, it's actually just an Applebees where instead of decorating it with local high school memorabilia, they use items found in Burt Reynolds' locker at the New York Health & Racquet Club. And, F.Y.I., boys and girls, it was last used during his first appearance as Gator McKlusky.

Seth: Let's move on to the Yankees starting rotation, Stefon. What do you know about their starting pitching? Their best pitcher is probably CC Sabathia, no?

Stefon: Oh, yeah, she's great.

Seth: He. Stefon.

Stefon: I think you're mistaken there, Seth. She's an intricate part of "pfft." The Yankees' strength and conditioning coach, Dana Cavalea, has opened his own bar underneath the Major Deegan Expressway called "pfft."

Seth: Peft?

Stefon: No, "pfft." It's a haunting place where, if you're naughty, you get sent to the Coach's Corner. Where a conceptual artist slash lawyer known only as "Asher" blinks at you all night while you try to fall asleep on a pile of cereal boxes that C.C. Sabathia used to eat out of.


Seth: Well, that makes sense since C.C. Sabathia gave up eating cereal last season, dropped approximately 20 pounds, and neared his career high in strikeout to walk ratio.

Stefon: Don't tell that to Mr. Cavalea. If you lose weight in "pfft," you have to make it up by watching "Faces of Death" in a Zentai suit while trying to eat popcorn through a silly straw.

Seth: That's, um, awful.The Yankee bullpen should be back to full strength when Mariano Rivera returns after ACL surgery for one final season. David Robertson, Boone Logan, and Joba Chamberlain should complement him nicely.

Stefon: Oh, people are always complementing Mariano Rivera. I can remember a few years back when he opened 42 Ounces. Unfortunately, that recently closed. Thanks Bloomberg!

Seth: Wait, I had no idea that Mariano Rivera was a club owner. It was called 42 ounces? Was it named after his Yankee number?

Stefon: No, it was named after the 42 ounces of high fructose corn syrup that he'd cut with a teaspoon of orange juice in his frozen drinks. While it would have closed due to Bloomberg's sugary drink ban next month, it was closed by the New York Board of Health after it was discovered that Mariano used to preserve his right arm in the syrup he'd later serve to people. If it weren't for David Wells' alleged tell-all, he would have gotten away with it. I only say "alleged" tell-all because it didn't even mention the most interesting events during his run as a Yankee.

Seth: And what were they?

Stefon: Well, for starters, one night he went with current Yankees Derek Jeter and Andy Petittte to a place that, at the time, was the number one rated Pelham Parkway underpass. I remember that place fondly. In fact, it was called "Fondly." Picture a parking garage filled entirely with El Caminos. Now, picture the truck beds of all the El Caminos filled with boysenberry preserves and albino elderly gents in cashmere sweaters. And who is that with a karaoke machine on stage trying to sing "99 Luftbaloons" in Swahili? Why, it's television's Richard Kind.


Seth: Well, thank you for your hard work on this Stefon, it sounds like you've really been burning the midnight oil on this.

Stefon: Oh, I haven't been there.

Seth: Been where?

Stefon: Midnight Oil. It's one of Joe Girardi's favorite spots. Located inside the Shell Station on 161st Street in the Bronx that constantly sells gas for $4.26 a gallon, Midnight Oil has everything. Fat Free Fig Newtons. Embalming fluid. Truffle Shuffle Oil.

Seth: Do I dare ask what that is?

Stefon: It's when you bottle a midget's sebaceous glands while he's doing the Truffle Shuffle from "The Goonies."

Seth: Okay, unfortunately that's all the time we have tonight. Let's here it again for Stefon, our city correspondent filling in with a preview of the New York Yankees.