Writers of Red Reporter: Accountability Time

It has been bandied about by a certain sports"writer" and emphasized by a moustachioed, baseball-headed Twit that we here at Red Reporter produce "unaccountable journalism" for you people. Well, to that I say poppycock. Wait...can I say poppycock on the internet? I don't even know anymore.

Anyway, the time has come. Meet your Red Reporters, and start holding us the hell accountable.

-ManBearPig is Hunter S. Thompson reincarnated as an actual bear.

He's still a wastoid, and still a damn fine writer. But instead of it being outside of Barstow, it was somewhere outside of Bakersfield when the drugs began to take hold.

Charlie Scrabbles is an anthropomorphic cat with middling artistic abilities

I mean, c'mon, those .jpgs were funny, but let's not crown anyone the next Pablo Purrcasso here. This furry Reds fan is full of snark, pancake-flavored Meow Mix, and catnip. Jam on, Chuck.

BK is actually THE Burger King.

It's like V for Vendetta, but with more dick jokes. Oh, and replace a dystopian fascist London with a flame-broiled, beer-soaked Cincinnati.

Grahamophone is a calculator.

Mostly soulless, great with numbers, has no feelings, and retains a mild sense of childish humor.

Kevin Mitchell is Batman is Casey Ryback is Batman

Underneath Kevin Mitchell's face, which is underneath a cowl, is another cowl. But underneath that cowl is KMiB's true identity, Steven Seagal's character from the Under Siege films. A Navy SEAL turned chef turned sports writer, CRiB (killer acronym, by the way) is a master of combat, Asian Fusion cuisine, tunes-ing, and colorful metaphors.

ams78 is a time-traveling Tony Mullane

ams78 is in actuality the legendary 19th century pitcher Tony Mullane. After retiring from the game, The Apollo of the Box developed a time machine, which he code named "Apollo's Machine of Steam," referencing his own nickname and the fact that it was steam powered. On his 78th try he finally got it to work, so he spends his retirement riding what he calls his "AMS78" through time trying to track down his arch-nemesis, @OldHossRadbourn. Teammates on the 1891 Reds, the two had a falling out after Radbourn became jealous of Mullane's win total, since that's the only stat that matters for pitchers, and thus Radbourn stole Mullane's mustache comb. This was a grave insult that could not be allowed to stand, and Mullane will stop at nothing until he gains satisfaction.

AC Slider is Mario Lopez

When he wakes up in the morning, and the alarm gives off a warning, he doesn't think he'll ever make the Reposter on time. When the team heads out west, he knows they're in a mess, cuz Broxton ate all their Red Man last night. Shut up, preppie.

Cy Schourek is actually...Pete Schourek

Somehow Greg Maddux put up those numbers in the '90s and is completely free from all steroid suspicion. Whatever. Not like he's bitter or anything.

FordhamRam is Stefan, frequent guest on SNL's Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

Red Reporter's hottest club is...Red It, Watched It, and Wept. But only because our own FordhamRam is the promoter. Don't even get him started on what goes into putting together that smorgasbord of deliciousness every week (month? fortnight?), because he wouldn't be able to tell you through all the giggles.

UncleWeez is Corky Miller's Mustache Stylist

Hey, somebody's gotta do it. That stache don't badass itself. It's why I don't post all that often...I've got my hands full. That thing has a friggin' mind of its own, let me tell ya.

kcgard2 is Murray Chass, who suffers from acute schizophrenia

Save perhaps poor little Darren, no one took the news of quote-unquote-on-base-percentage-hating Dusty Baker harder than our dear kcgard. His work on this blog, including his frequent defense of sabermetrics, is part performance art, part unhinged symptom of his mental condition, and part self-loathing. Oh, and Marvin Miller's ex-roommate's dog's walker's uncle's barber's favorite bartender told him that Stan Musial was a racist.

RijoSaboCaseyWKRP is a flock of highly intelligent parrots

WKRP is, of course, the obscure yet distinguished degree bestowed upon only the smartest of tropical birds by none other than Toucan Sam himself. It stands for "Writer Kings of the Regal Parrots." Within any group, even one made up of sentient, genetically mutated fowl, there exists some level of dissension. This, naturally, explains the indecision that is occasionally present in the posts of RijoSabes.

ken is...

let's be real. This blog is just ken, posting over and over and over again under different pseudonyms. We are legion. We are Red Reporter. We are ken.