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The Fake Reds get down to business!

Jared Wickerham

Just when the rabble rousers of the Queen City began to clamor, grumble, and yell "FARRRBEEEKKKKK" at the top of their lungs, the GM of the Fake Reds secured what may prove to be the biggest set of signings seen at the meetings thus far.

In great wheeling and dealing fashion, BK secured the services of both Corky Miller and Paul Janish on minor league deals with invites to Spring Training in Goodyear.  Just like that, the literal face of the franchise became mustachioed and grizzled while the wrists of the franchise got as weak as BubbaFan's knees when told of the transaction.  Janish instantly becomes the frontrunner for the Fake Reds current utility infielder vacancy, while Corky becomes the frontrunner for Mayor of Louisville, KY.

When asked about said dealings, BK said flatly, "We jumped at the opportunity to bring Janish's power bat back into the fold when we heard that Atlanta had non-tendered him.  As for Corky, well, he's been my top target all offseason, and I just don't know what this team would've looked like without him in the fold...probably too unbearded and babyfaced, and we just couldn't have that in the midst of trying to win a championship."

Also of note was the Fake Reds' under the radar signing of OF Curtis Granderson to a 4 year, $68 million contract.  The Fake Reds saw a need for more power in the middle of the lineup, and they also wanted to upgrade the character of the locker room so that Marty and 'tHom would shut the everloving hell up.  Granderson will solve both of those issues, and given the absurd money being thrown around at free agent OFs (Shin-Soo Choo signed with the Fake Mets for 7 years and $137 million while Jacoby Ellsbury signed with the Fake Mariners for 7 years and $120 million), the Reds feel they got a steal.  Granderson was banged up last season.  Literally, he was hit by a pitch that broke his arm and derailed the start of his season, and then was hit again to miss more time with a bum arm mid way through 2013; before that, he'd posted back to back 40 HR seasons and has historically been a plus defender in both CF and LF.  He'll fit right in nicely.

The fake front office of the Fake Reds has been fake working tirelessly to continue to augment their fake roster, and with two days remaining in this fake offseason, they feel confident in their ability to out fake the other fake teams for pole position in the race for the upcoming fake World Series.