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Red Reposter, Black Friday...White Flag?

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Whatever is happening in Reds Country, it's happening under a murky fog, unfortunately. But we here at Red Reporter remain nervous about all other NL Central teams to an almost paranoid degree. BERNIE THE BREWER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, and a spy catch a game.
Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, and a spy catch a game.
Frank Victores-USA TODAY Sports

We here at Red Reporter hope that you're having a great Thanksgiving. Especially you, BigBabyBruce, Crolfer, pokey reese, and some random dude as the Astros who are all tearing me to shit in the Purple Row OOTP AL West, where my A's have won like 5 games in three weeks. Anyways, I hope that the gravy was extra saucy this year for you all while I try to figure out what to do with apricots for the 4th goddam day. Here are your links:

Reds.com has the details on Skip's contract. $2M in 2014, $2.5M in 2015, and a $2.5M club option year for 2016(!!!!) with a $500K buyout. Mark Sheldon also gets in "a .210 hitter with a .280 OBP against lefties" and "not known for his defense" in between quotes about how excited Schumaker is to be on a playoff-bound team. Practically all he's done is be on playoff-bound teams, because correlation is not causation.

I am fascinated by the way the dominoes would have to fall for the Reds to take up Schumaker on a $2.5M contract in 2016. I think Schumaker, Phillips, Bruce, and Votto are the only Reds to be under contract in that year. Christ in a basting syringe that's crazy.

As for Parra's contract: $2M in 2014, $3.5M in 2015. Parra also will need someone DFA'd on his behalf, but the Reds wanted Nick Christiani to be able to enjoy his Thanksgiving first. Parra joins Broxton, Marshall, and Chapman as relievers with a contract for 2015. If two of those four are Reds in 2015, I'll eat my #greenhat.

Neyer points at an interesting study on R.A. Dickey. Apparently the confusion of facing a flamethrowing reliever after him gives his team an additional ~1.4 WAR/season. This WAR is, I suppose, already in the relievers' calculations, so it's not new but rather "misattributed." This all sounds a bit sketchy to me, because it supposes that the relievers could be replacement-level and get guys out just because they're following Dickey. I'm beginning to get skeptical about WAR, you guys.

Two new jerseys to speak of come 2014. The Royals have a new "KC" alternate replacing the script-Royals, which is too bad, because I really liked that one. The new jerseys look kind of Rays-ish, except Wil Myers won't be wearing them. Farther down I-35 ("The Worst Feckin' Road in America"), the Rangers have dropped black and the bevels, giving them a much cleaner look. Not great, but cleaner. I'd have preferred the Old West-inspired 1980 duds (and I don't mean Bump Willis (but I also mean Bump Willis)).

With Votto now living in Florida, Canada needed a new national hero. The hero is not the man cutting topiaries into dongs and writing "PENIS" in garlands, no. It is the chief gardener of Windsor, who has these words for the intrepid gardener-cum-bandit: "I have no qualms about it — give me a call, come see me and we’ll see if we can use your skill set."

Story from the 80's/Reddit: A man suffering from OCD is overwhelmingly depressed, chooses to end it all with a bullet, and...instead shoots out the afflicted part of his brain. He eventually became a straight-A student at university.

So there's hope for us all. Happy Thanksgiving.