Inspired by "100 Things Reds Fans Should See and Do Before They Die."
October baseball has you down? Can't watch an inning of postseason play without daydreaming of Shin Soo Choo to the tune of Barbara Streisand's "Memories?" Well, then look no further than this list of things that you can spend your time with in lieu of watching baseball this month.
1. Manager speculation! The Reds need to hire a manager and since Major League Baseball isn't a fan of teams making these sorts of announcements during the postseason, it may drag out for a while. This can lead to endless permutations of what your dream manager would be. Take the best characteristics of your favorite managers and use it to create one Mega Manager. Imagine your dream date with Mega Manager. Where would you go for dinner? Carriage ride in the park? Is your Mega Manager a gentleman or a rapscallion? You decide!
2. Football/other sports. American football is popular, so watching it will make you more articulate at the water cooler! Basketball is starting up and everyone has an opinion on LeBron James. Because this is an odd-numbered year, there is a hockey season; so enjoy that before the next lockout. If you're jaded about concussions, lack of defense, and ongoing labor disputes, you may instead want to be a soccer fan. That is, as long as you're down with slavery.
3. Learn to Cook. Learning to cook is one of the most personally and communally rewarding ways to improve yourself. In fact, did you know that Deadspin gets over ¼ of their pageclicks from their recipe pages? This is not true, but it sounds like it could be. Just remember that if you are going to learn to cook, be respectful when you bring leftovers to work for lunch. Nobody should ever have to smell fish in the microwave. Ever.
4. Leaf Peeping. What sounds somewhat raunchy but, in fact, is actually good clean fun? Leaf peeping! It's pretty much watching leaves change colors in the fall, which is to say it's a socially acceptable way to watch paint dry or grass grow.
5. Defrost Your Freezer. Defrosting your freezer will make it more energy efficient and will prolong the life of your freezer. It also cuts down on the likelihood that your frozen foods and icecubes will pick up odors and scents that are unappetizing. Just make sure you have a place to store them during the defrost. Or, better yet, have Tombstone Pizza, Ben & Jerry's, and Bird's Eye foodie feast for the whole family. Mmm. Mmm.
6. Volunteer. Fall is a great time to volunteer for the charity of your choice. Want to influence the political discussion? Knock on doors for a local candidate. Want to assist those fighting cancer? October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Want to comfort the afflicted? Hug a Cubs fan! Seriously, do something, though. It's much easier to help improve the world than explain apathy.
7. Run a Race for Charity. If you're not a runner, you can walk (like me). If you're not a walker, you can be the dude who hands out beer at the after-party tent. Everyone loves that guy.
8. Read a book. May we suggest "100 Things Reds Fans Should See and Do Before They Die?" Product placement!
9. Learn to Parallel Park. If you drive in an urban environment, learning to parallel park is important to ensuring not only the life of your car, but also getting to where you want to be on time. Already know how to parallel park? Well, then take this offseason to learn how merge into traffic onto highways, you jerks.
10. Redeem your credit card rewards points. We all have them and we use them on different things. I personally use them for gift cards to Bed Bath & Beyond since this all but guarantees that I will not have to spend money out of pocket on wedding registries for an entire calendar year. Aren't I a great friend?
11. Start a band. It doesn't matter the genre! Well, it sort of does. Nobody listens to ska punk anymore and unless you want to royally tick off your neighbors, emo is pretty much a non-starter.
12. Join a religion.
13. Start a religion. Can't find a religion that suits you? Start your own! First, pick the number of deities you want (choose from polytheism, monotheism, or none), define the set of customs, and begin evangelizing. Sooner of later, you'll be able to hold meetings in strip malls that have 12.5% occupancy rates!
14. Start a government. Because, well, the current one isn't doing a heckuva lot of good for anyone right now.
15. Start a blog. Do you have opinions but no soapbox to stand on? Do you find yourself wishing you had more than 140 characters to convey an opinion? Then, you may want to start a blog. Start a new one or try to retrieve your xanga account password from 2004; it doesn't matter. Personally, we'd recommend avoiding topics such as hamburgers or campaigns to move professional football teams.
16. Catch up on your Netflix queue. Let's face it, since the Reds have ended their season, we've gained on average about 3 hours a night. We can spend that time getting fat and watching other things on television. After all, we need that extra insulation for the winter months. I'm not going to tell you what to see, but remember that even if something doesn't look entertaining, you can always hate watch it. It's the only thing that's keeping Aaron Sorkin employed in television nowadays!.
17. Buy something inexpensive off of Craigslist from a less-than-reputable source. It doesn't have to be anything you need or want; in fact it's better that way. Just buy it for the excuse to interact with creepy people. You can start your own Craigslist Bingo card and play with your friends. Spaces on the bingo card can include "seller has a glass eye," "seller only accepts BitCoin," and "seller cross-posts ad on casual encounters."
18. Buy tickets to Reds Fest. It's less than two-months away and will allow us to look forward with optimism instead of looking back in anger.
19. Listen to public radio! Now that you do not have to listen to the Reds game, there really is no reason why your radio should be turned to 700 WLW. Try listening to public radio, instead. You won't hear crazy chemically-imbalanced fools railing against Dusty Baker or Benghazi. Instead, you'll hear crazy chemically-imbalanced fools yelling about fixing cars in insufferable Boston accents.
20. Shower more frequently. Taking a bath or a shower is a fantastic way to kill time and relax. Did you know that in the future, the world will be divided between those who shower beer and those that take wine baths? It certainly makes sense to obtain the self-awareness now that you have the requisite time on your hands.
21. Go on a juice cleanse. Not because it'll do you any good. Frankly, most scientific evidence suggests it will not. It will come in handy when you're in a group setting and you have to refute the one nut who constantly advocates it. "Yeah, I tried it too. It's great if you're into having a headache for 72 hours followed by spending 12 hours on a toilet.
22. Visit the Reds Hall of Fame. There is no better way to reminisce on past glories than by visiting a shrine in their honor. From the Big Red Machine to the 1990 Reds, the Hall of Fame covers it all. And, since the Reds are no longer playing, you're going to encounter smaller lines.
23. Try writing poetry. Do not bother with rhyming. You can write haikus!
24. Do fall cleaning! Try re-alphabetizing your CD collection (if you still have them). Re-grout that bathtub that you're going to be spending more time in during the next few months. Basically, try to get as much done around the house before your significant others serves a Honey-Do list upon you. If all else fails, you can straighten up your home in anticipation of selling it before interest rates get jacked up. Woo-hoo, financial fun!
25. Enjoy the well-deserved backlash of Cardinals fans brandishing themselves as the best fans in baseball.