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Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 1/20/13

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

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Sunday Night's Alright for Griping
Sunday Night's Alright for Griping
Bob Levey

Monday: Casual Racism - It's FANtastic!

For too many years now, local Cincinnati talk radio has been a one-horse town. In fact, it was only last week that I, again, heard the phrase "BUT I WANNA TALK ABOUT DREW STUBBS STRIKING OUT, LAAAAAANCE." Luckily, local radio fans now have another outlet to get their Reds fix in 100 FM The Fan. You see, The Fan is like any other sports radio station nowadays not owned by Clear Channel. They have one local show and then spend the rest of their hours broadcasting something called Gottlieb. Oh, and they’re fantastic at race-trolling on Twitter:

We predict many years weeks of success solvency for The Fan.

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Tuesday: Not Quite Ready To Be Considered for Prime Time

We get a lot of complaints here at RIWIAW for being bitter, angry, and vindictive at the mainstream media (Editor’s note: we do, on occasion hold back. For example, we didn't even use the word "lamestream" in the preceding sentence). However, we do want to say that every so often this hatred is perfectly warranted. Today, ESPN decided they were going to release their Sunday Night Baseball schedules for 2013. The good news for Reds fans? They won’t blow any games in the national spotlight on Sundays early in the season. The bad news? That’s because they won’t be ON Sunday Night Baseball. ESPN decided that a team who won 97 games isn’t worthy enough to be showcased before the simpletons entertained by Chris Berman nation. However, the Houston Astros? Totally deserving of attention. At this point, we here at RIWIAW can name more graduates of Houston's Rice University currently in the Major Leagues than Astros (thanks for the seminar, BubbaFan!). Oh, and Rice grad Paul Janish could hit third in the 2013 Astros’ lineup. Just sayin'.

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Wednesday: Te'overkill

It is a scientific fact that absolutely bizarre stories involving athletes have shelf lives of twenty-four hours. Any time after that incubation period, watch ESPN at your own risk. It is therefore with a giggle on Wednesday and a groan by Thursday that it was announced the Florence Freedom, the Cincinnati metro area’s "other-other" team, will be hosting a Manti Te’o Girlfriend Bobblehead night in late May. THAT’S SO CLEVER BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T EXIST BECAUSE HE’S A SOCIOPATH. GET IT? We think this story will definitely hold up to the test of time. After all, weren’t ya'll the life of your New Year’s Party this year when you came dressed as that guy who ate the homeless person’s face in Florida.

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Thursday: Comment of the Week - Ondrusek's Getting Paid


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Friday: Foreclosure? I hardly even know her!

While we here at RIWIAW enjoy a good helping of St. Louis Cardinal-based Schadenfreude, we tend to refrain from instances involving residential foreclosures. (We defend homeowners for a living, you jerks!) However, commercial foreclosures? WE BE UP IN ALL THAT, YO! Today’s terrible business owner? Why, it’s no one other than Cardinals skipper Mike Matheny. Matheny, it turns out, tried to develop some property in the St. Louis suburb of Chesterfield (mistake #1). In doing so, he borrowed $12 million from the bank secured by real property (mistake #2). Matheny, while being personally liable decided not to make payments on this loan (mistakes #3 and #4). And then, the value of the property collapsed resulting Matheny becoming underwater on the loan (see: mistakes #1-#4). This means that, under Missouri law (and Ohio’s too, FYI), the foreclosing bank can obtain a deficiency judgment on Matheny until that debt is paid off in full. If Matheny is hoping to be employed for a long period of time by the Cardinals, he may want to brush up on his counting stats.

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Saturday: The Pay's Not Great, But That's Okay Because the Hours are Terrible.

Are you chronically under-employed (thanks a lot, OBAMA!)? Do you like baseball? Do you have a car that gets relatively decent gas mileage? Well, then you can spend your summer driving Ms. Daisy Hall of Famer Hal McCoy. Recent ongoing endless budget cuts at the Dayton Daily News have resulted in Hal requiring a ride down from Dayton for all the Reds’ home games. In case you were wondering, his previous driver had to resign due to health problems. Oh, and he cannot take a train from Dayton because one does not exist (thanks a lot, KASICH!). Hal, who is legally blind, as Mike Birbiglia could tell you, will allow you to sit next to him in the press box for the duration of the game and will even reimburse you .55 a gallon for gas. Oh, and if you’re not guilted into doing it yet, if you don’t volunteer, HAL COULD BE FORCED INTO RETIREMENT. You wouldn’t want that on your conscience, would you?

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Sunday: If You Build It, They Will LOL

Now you can watch baseball’s worst team without any of the charm that makes watching baseball’s worst team almost bearable! We can’t wait to see what some Cubsfans have to say about this!