Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 7/8/12

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Monday - TLR;DR-gate

Yes, folks, it's a -gate now! BECAUSE HE LIED ABOUT IT, PAAAWWWWWL! After snubbing the best second baseman in the league and arguably one of the most dominant staring pitchers, petty human Tony La Russa is drawing heat for his All Star Game selections. Some folks will say that it wasn't entirely TLR;DR's choosing because the players get a vote. Some of these folks are pretty stupid because the manager has the greatest influence in the makeup of an All Star team. Note to NL fans, be prepared an outfield consisting of Corey Patterson, Willy Taveras, and Laynce Nix when Dusty Baker manages the team next season.

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Tuesday – OMG DAY THREE - Because Talking About UK Night at the Ballpark is Much More Important

Since it’s a –gate, it’s time for the backlash for it being a -gate in the first place! And who else is better to lead the charge than radio human Lance McAlister. Yep, the person who tries to use wedge issues to pick fights between college basketball fans. Yep, the person who retweets St. Louis sports writers to rile up Reds fans. Yep, the person. Yep, the only person in this city who will still retweet Jim Bowden for purposes other than laughing at the clown. Yep, the same person who decided the best way to make fun of a man was to joke about his experience with shingles. This goes to show you that unless you find someone competent to argue against the pack mentality of radio callers, it's not worth talking about. I guess this means he'd fail F. Scott Fitzgerald's test on determining genius.

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Wednesday – COMMENT(S) OF THE WEEK – Because we love teamwork!

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Thursday - Birther of a Nation

Since experiencing cutbacks, we here at RIWIAW have been underfunded in our Schadenfreude department. Nonetheless, we still present to you good stories when we find them. This week, we’re glad to report that professional baseball player horrible and dumb human Luke Scott has been suffering through an 0-39 slump. Why was he able to keep his head steady during his slump? Well, because he’s a Christian man, silly. Scott professed that if he wasn’t a Christian, he’d be an alcoholic. In other news, Ulysses S. Grant, Tip O’Neill, Joe McCarthy and John Sullivan are all looking for refunds from the money they placed in collection plates during their lives.

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Friday – #MatrixMoveSociopath

Twitter makes strange bedfellows. Sometimes, this doesn’t just mean sending crotchshots to 16 year olds. Sometimes, it means finding one or two things you have in common with someone everyone else on earth finds crazy or repugnant. Enter, Charlie Sheen. Yes, that Charlie Sheen. The actual person. It’s been well documented that Mr. Sheen is a Reds fan having grown up in Ohio. Thus, the star of Twitter and shows that nobody with an IQ above freezing watches, has reached out to the Reds Twitter star, Brandon Phillips. Since it appears that Sheen cannot convince Tony La Russa to make BP an All Star or to get Dusty Baker to bat him leadoff, Charlie has decided to do the next best thing: get Brandon one million Twitter followers. Why, you ask? There’s simply no go answer to that question.

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Saturday - From Our Inner Office Pageclicks Program

If you’re still reading this self-important pile of junk, you obviously have a high tolerance to played jokes and schtick. If that’s the case, I implore you that you reward yourself by reading something that is legitimately hilarious by resident scribe Charlie Scrabbles. He’s even been the subject of a chant started at Great American Ball Park!