Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 7/22/12

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Monday - Jo-Eh, What Are You Going to Do?

It’s not everyday that your All Universe First Baseman for the next decade has an injury costing him a month of service. Today, it was announced that Joey Votto will miss 4-5 weeks for a knee injury that occurred the week before the All Star Break (Heckuva job, Dr. Poking Stick!). Nobody can clearly answer why it took the Reds over two weeks to even examine their quarter of a billion dollar investment. However, that’s only because the Reds bootlickers beatwriters were too busy doing pass blocking for their subject matter. Heck, Reds fans may not have known about the injury if a sports writer in Morgantown, West Virginia didn’t discover it.

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Tuesday - Cartoons in a Cartoon Graveyard.

While it’s not everyday that someone posts something incredibly dumb and hollow as a Fanshot, it’s most days (especially now that Jeff Brantley is commentating, YAY!) Today was like most days because supposedly someone created an Al Yellon parody account and then tried to equate Billy Hamilton’s speed to Tony Campana. Oddly enough, the editors at Baseball Nation also decided to post the article as if it was made by the actual Yellon. We here at RIWIAW didn’t fall for it, though. We know that even the real Al Yellon wouldn’t compare someone with over 100 stolen bases this season to a platoon player on an awful Cubs team by using edited You Tube videos. Get someone to run the bases faster than it takes me to watch American Beauty, and I’ll be impressed, Al!

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Wednesday - Comment of the Week - Al Speaks Again!

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Thursday - Pete Rose's Western Hills

If you could name the top things that Pete Rose needs, the list would likely include a Hall of Fame Induction, a payment plan for his back income taxes, and enough assets to ensure he doesn't have to charge fans for a written confession that he bet on baseball. Not likely to make this list would be a reality television show unless you ask TLC, producers of Sarah Palin's Alaska. TLC has announced that it is in the works to air a reality show featuring baseball's Hit King and his wife. In all honesty, we here at RIWIAW are not surprised Pete has a reality show. Rather, we're surprised it took him this long to get one.

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Friday - DatBooBP

Sometimes it's appropriate to boo a home team. For example, if the team fails to hustle, if any of the players are named Yadier, or if ownership is so bad that they decide to not only fail to field a competitive team, but also screw over county taxpayers. However, booing your team, outside of these narrow parameters, is inappropriate. This is why Brandon Phillips rightfully took some jackballs to task for booing the Reds while they were down 6-0 against the Diamondbacks. The same Reds team that, mind you, came back to win 7-6 while finishing a home stand sweeping the Cardinals and beating the Brewers. #FARRDUSTY

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Saturday - Not Entirely Off His Rocker After All!

What sets a truly crazy person apart from an "opinionated person" is that when a crazy person is faced with adversity, he double down on his idiotic opinions (see: Orly Taitz, Tom Cruise, Joe Arpaio). If we were writing this column in 1998, we likely would have added John Rocker to this list. Rocker, somewhat known for having two solid seasons as the Braves' closer and universally known for comments about "queers," "freaks," and foreigners, has decided that he wants to let the world know he's more than just a Shea Stadium battery receptacle, he's a pundit! Rocker recently started to write political commentary (COMING TO A HUFFINGTON POST NEAR YOU). However, don't you dare try to pigeonhole Rocker as a right wing politico because we don't want to get letters from them because his ideology is nuanced. Illegal immigration? Against. Limited Government? Supports. Abortion? Supports. Marriage Equality? Supports. Let this be a lesson, kids. You can support some liberal causes while still being mildly racist. Does that make you crazy? No, it makes you ‘Murrican.