Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 5/13/12

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Monday: It Bobbles The Mind

The Reds' ticket sales department is slowly realizing that the best way to fill seats at GABP is by winning giving out bobbleheads as often as possible. (Fact: 35% of all people featured on Hoarders are self-described Reds fans.) Thus, it has come to the point where the Reds are announcing bobblehead events with fanfare usually reserved for trades or suspensions of All Stars suspected of doping. The ball club disclosed today that the newest inductee into the Reds Bobblehead Hall is George Foster. Sources close to the Reds say the front office is scrambling to come up with the next Reds bobblehead, as Foster represents the last MVP to be issued one. There are some rumors suggesting thatnext season’s bobblehead class will include John Fay (complete with a green hat), D.T. Cromer, and Fred Lewis.

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Tuesday: Comment of the Week

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Wednesday: This Week In Red Reporter History – We Defeated The Cubs (Again)

Let’s travel into our wayback machine to 2010 and revisit a Mother’s day duel with the Chicago Cubs. The Reds defeated the Cubs thanks to an impressive pitching performance by then-rookie Mike Leake and a 3-run home run by soon-to-be-MVP Joey Votto. It should be said that just because Red Reporter celebrates Mother’s Day, doesn’t mean its members refuse to act like degenerates. Then again, I guess you already knew that efore opening this thread.

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Thursday: I kill us? You kill us!

The hip thing to do these days for Reds fans is to speculate whether or not the Reds will go after Cincinnati native Kevin Youkilis. Granted, this seems to be a product of sports talk hosts not knowing what to do with themselves now that the Reds have already celebrated UK Championship Night. Despite the fact that nobody is reporting that the Reds are even considering it, the movement is building some momentum in the sense that opponents of the move say that supporters are "out there." These same supporters are likely the same ones accused of opposing the aforementioned UK night, believed that Hamilton for Volquez was a good move for the Reds, and thought that the Holy Grail is a worthwhile place to visit before or after a Reds game.

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Friday: A Children’s Treasury of #RedsDrinkTweetUp Tweets

If you ever wondered what Reds Tweet Ups are like and the types of lushes they attract (like the fine editors at RIWIAW!), then look no further at a sampling of what is to be found under the #RedsTweetUp hashtag. The names have been changed to protect the sober:

@Human: Apparently the Fan of the game has been drinking #RedsTweetUp

@Human: Definitely will be drinking more brews at the park even if it's 30$ a beer #redstweetup

@Human: That guys drunk... #redstweetup

@Human: I guess I'm a shitty reds fan just left the game to go drink at the lager house... #redstweetup #I'mThatGuy

@Human: Twinsies! RT @OtherHuman I'll be the drunk one in a Reds t-shirt.#redstweetup

@Human: Well the beer is cold #justsayin #redstweetup

@Human: #redstweetup We are losing terribly but I'm having a great time with@millhoused / more beer please

@Human: #Drunj #Redstweetup

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Saturday: Harper Owie PTA

Hey, remember last week when we had to sit through all those remedial classes about baseball’s unwritten code thanks to Cole Hamels and Bryce Harper? Specifically, that we shouldn’t reward players looking to injure others? Well, preventing all the headhunting in the world won’t cure stupid. However, we here at RIWIAW must admit that Bryce Harper deserves to be cut some slack despite the fact that he almost ended his career before it began. In the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t come close to being the dumbest thing ever done by someone associated with the Washington Nationals.

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Sunday: The Greatest Mother’s Day Story, Ever

Perhaps the only good thing about Scott Rolen’s trip to the disabled list is that it gives the Reds the opportunity to see what they have in 28-year-old third baseman Mike Costanzo. Costanzo, a Red Reporter and RIWIAW favorite, was called up Saturday afternoon and able to make it up I-75 in time for Saturday’s loss to the Nationals. While he didn’t play on Saturday, he was able to notify his parents in time for them to spend Mother’s Day sitting through a rain delay waiting for their son’s Major League debut that culminated with an RBI! Go get ‘em Costanzo!