For the benefit of all broadcasters - professional or pirate - who find themselves describing the events of a Reds' game this season.
- The Reds clinch the Central: "The Reds are National League Central Champions for the second time in two years."
- The Reds clinch the first Wild Card: "Wild Card berth. Nice. I don't get bogged down in all the rule changes from year-to-year, but one thing's for sure: Cincinnati can look forward to at least three post season games."
- The Reds clinch the second wild card: "That's the end of the game. A nice win by the Reds. Stick with us for Reds Live... What? That doesn't sound right at all.... Go to commercial."
- The Reds lose the Wild Card Play-In Game: "These new rules suck."
- The Reds win the Wild Card Play-In Game: "These new rules kind of suck."
- Ryan Hanigan throws out a baserunner: "And a runner hath died by his Hand-again."
- Chris Heisey hits a home run: "Terrific pinch-hit home run by Chris Heisey."
- Joey Votto strikes out: "That's another $500 donation to the Keep Joey Votto in Cincinnati Foundation."
Brandon Phillips makes a stunning defensive play: "He really extended himself on that one. He's so good, he makes it seem like the universe is contracting and shows no sign of slowing down."
Jay Bruce hits a home run: "Going, going, but ultimately disappointing because it doesn't clinch a championship."
Ryan Ludwick hits a home run: "Gettin' the Lud Out," "Been a long time," "That would have been a bunt pop-out at PetCo."
- Drew Stubbs breaks up a double play, injuring a middle infielder: "Another strike out for Drew Stubbs."
- Scott Rolen has an at bat: "Congratulations to Scott Rolen."
- Zack Cozart makes a difficult play in the field: "The was a truly rococo play with an impressionistic finish and elements of realism. A Cozart's Masterpiece."