Covering what other writers are
too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.
Notice anything different this week? Other than your Catholic friends ordering fish and walking around with scorched palms on their head? Yes? You did? Me too! It’s that fantastic feeling you get when you realize that the Reds are practicing baseball again! Frankly, there’s no natural or synthetic substance that can match this feeling (Editor’s note: other than amyl. But that’s illegal! Don’t do drugs, kids!).
Saturday: This Week in Red Reporter History!
What happened one year ago this week? Well, Jonny Gomes' hit single Wainwright's Gone reached the top of the charts in Goodyear, Arizona. For a nice historic recap, check out RijoSabes' fine investigatory work on the incident. How did
the man on the street weird internet commenters respond to the situation? Madville was quoted as saying, "The only course of action then is to burn down St. Louis." Meanwhile, a more level headed FarneyIsMyCoPilot had this to add,
"and finally, hello VEB stalkers, I'm glad you've all crawled back out of your holes now that baseball season is back considering this is the only sport any of you mooks care about. Did you here? There was football and other stuff during the winter. Just to catch you up: Cam Newton took money, but didn't; the GB Packers won the Super Bowl; Blake Griffin is a damned alien; the NHL has turned into a goon league over the past month (which is cool by me); and no one's really great in college basketball this year. Especially Duke. (EDIT) them. They're now you have something else to talk about other than your birds on the bat. Cheers!"
Clearly, there was no precedent for the hyperbole used by Jonny Gomes.
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Sunday: Pitchers and Catchers Report. I SAID PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT!
Andy Williams - It's The Most Wonderful Time (via MrGagararo)
I really can't add much more than YIPPIE! Oh, and I hope the Reds win a lot of games.
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Monday: NEWSFLASH: Pot Smoker Does Something Stupid; Breaks Law
We here at RIWIAW make an effort to not provide you with anything that can remotely be construed as professional or life advice. However, we will advise you not to put yourself in a situation where you consume a bag of marijuana at a traffic stop. That won’t end well. We come to this conclusion after finding out former Leatherpants reclamation project (spoiler alert: the project was unsuccessful) Elijah Dukes was arrested for this very same instance. We can only hope Leatherpants commits another transgression to allow us to crank out this old gem of a quote involving Dukes.
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Tuesday: It’s Not Spring Until . . .
Even with the threat of the paywall, Reds beat writer John Fay can still bring levity to any situation through the clever use of a hashtag. For those marking their calendar, the Reds will play the Indians at Goodyear on St. Patrick’s Day (Green Hat Day, observed).
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Wednesday: Ya Got Trouble, Right There In Brewer City: That’s trouble with a capital ‘T,’ won’t rhyme with "phone" but stands for Testosterone!
Forever tainted MVP Ryan Braun had his 50 game suspension lifted due to an arbitrator’s decision today.
Does this mean he didn’t take synthetic testosterone? No.
Does this mean he did? No.
Then what DOES it mean? The MLB couldn’t suspend a player who tested positive when the urine sample went outside the chain of custody.
That's just like when murderers and rapists get off because the police didn't read them Miranda. You're starting to sound foolish, Mr. Italics.
This is hardly shocking when one considers the various ways urine can be misapplied in Major League Baseball.
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Thursday: Comment of the Week!
Since you jackballs are greening everything under the sun, I figure this is as good of a comment as any other:
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Friday: A Children's Treasury of This Week's Non-Answers Provided By Dusty Baker
On who will be the five starters in the rotation: "I've had it figured out since the winter. The only thing that could change my mind is right now is we've got six."
On Zach Cozart possibly being the everyday shortstop: "We like his play at shortstop. I like his deceptive speed. I like his power."
On *New Hunky* Jay Bruce: "He was never fat; he wasn't suave and cut."
On the starting catcher: "I haven't seen enough of Mesoraco, he's one of two."