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Rejected Redsfest Sessions

We brought you the best tents at Redsfest. Those were real. Now we'll bring you the best player sessions that are fake.

Remember that thing about how your face can get stuck that way? Yeah, well...
Remember that thing about how your face can get stuck that way? Yeah, well...
Drew Hallowell

The Reds got some softball questions from a bunch of kids late last night. They gave a nice local accountant named Scott Stelsky an award for hitting. They may have looked like they were not trying hard at all. But the truth is that they were trying very hard, but Rob Butcher kept on nixing all of my the staff's great ideas. Here's a short sampling:

  • Reading the Classics with Ryan Hanigan (was actually ready to go until Mr. Hanigan stormed out of the green room when he learned they were doing Plato's Dialogues in translation only. He came back offering to share his latest attempt at translating the Voynich Manuscript, but by then it was too late and there was poker or something stupid like that)
  • Saturday Surl-off feat. Homer Bailey and Mat Latos (moderated by Lance McAlister until it was discovered that his insurance wouldn't cover it. Nobody else offered to step in)
  • A Children's Tour of Joliet Correctional Center with Tony Cingrani (script rejected due to numerous mentions of prison "girlfriends." Tony responded, "you want me to sugar coat it for these little shits?" and Brendanukkah was frantically called, texted, and tweeted at but he had his head up a soccerball's butt)
  • Urban Horticulture with Mike Leake and Logan Ondrusek (Hydroponic Society of America cancelled their funding at the last moment, but said they'd totally be good for it next time)
  • Toastmasters International Presents: Proper Elocution with Todd Frazier (cancelled due to what could only be termed "100% frontier gibberish")
  • Didi and J.J. do Cincinnati! Twice! (The video of the shortstop and reliever trying to out-do each other at "Cincinnati things" ended up killing any foolhardy editor who viewed the Dutchman forcing Hoov to eat Skyline "Kapsalon Stijl")
  • A Night on the Town with Bronson Arroyo and Chris Heisey (Chris Heisey has been missing for three days now please alert authorities repeat please alert authorities)
  • Take Your Wife to Meet Joey Votto Sponsored by the Divorce Settlement Lawyers of the Tri-State (Police ordered a cancellation after a Bye Bye Birdie-esque confrontation in Fountain Square)
  • Book Discussion and Q&A: "Trinity in Uniity in Christian-Muslim Relations: the Work of the Pontifical Council for Interreligious Dialogue" with Xavier Paul and El'Hajj Muhammad (C'mon, if CSPAN won't show it what the Hell - ermmm, heck - is it doing here?)
  • Angling and Bait Techniques, Starring Danny Corcino and Jose Arredondo: Ask the Reds About Their Favorite West Coast Cities! (Players Union unimpressed with "winner has to fly immediately" format)
  • Tenacious Tetherball! Sean Marshall vs. Logan Ondrusek! (In test runs, Logan kept on launching the ball into the third row and seriously Logan? It's attached to the pole fercryinoutloud whatcha thinking anyways?)
In case you can't tell, this is all fake, so please think of your own in the comments. Also, please think of your own and tweet them to either/or @Reds or @RedReporter with the #RejectedRedsfest hashtag. Please get this going enough for Jamie Ramsey to be forced to credit his favorite blog.