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Fake Reds sign Joel Peralta and Jeremy Affeldt, acquire Tommy Hanson

Red Reporter's Reds pretty much wrap up their Winter Meetings by shoring up the pitching staff and spending all of the money.

Two handsome, shirtless guys high-fiving.
Two handsome, shirtless guys high-fiving.
Ronald Martinez

Welp, I think that about does it. There are still a few heres and theres hanging around out there, but this is probably the fake roster our fake Reds will take into fake Spring Training. To the news:

Acquired Tommy Hanson from the Braves in exchange for Taylor Jungmann and Logan Ondrusek

Tommy Hanson was the #4 prospect in baseball just a few years ago. He looked like a promising young fella, but he's lost some of that tangy zip on his miracle whip. His average fastball velocity dipped below 90 mph last season, worrying many that his shoulder is kaputnik. We ran some scout tapes by Bryan Price. He turned to us and winked. That's all we needed to know.

Signed free agent Joel Peralta for two years and $8 million

Signed free agent Jeremy Affeldt for three years and $16 million

Peralta is a top right-handed reliever, hammering it out in the Rays' bullpen the past two seasons. He'll help us build a MEGABULLPEN in the style of Voltron, Defender of the Universe. Affeldt you know, because he used to be with the Reds. He'll be the left leg in the Voltron.

So, uh, hmm. I'm gonna level with you. This whole thing did not go nearly as we had planned it. We had a pretty conventional plan going in, you know, looking for a lead-off man, a left fielder, maybe some bullpen help. And in my opinion, I think we actually turned out a really good looking baseball team. But shit got fonky bananas. WAY fonky bananas. For example, Zack Greinke signed with the fake Blue Jays for six years and $175 million. Anibal Sanchez got six years and $90 million. Josh Hamilton got six years and $152 million. BJ Upton got five years and $90 million. Angel Pagan got four years and $60 million. The free agent market just didn't reflect reality. It went and got totally rescrabbulous.

Much of that had to do with how teams were managing their payrolls. Which is to say, they weren't. See, we assumed that teams would stick to a realistic payroll. They, uh, didn't. I guess when you are playing a fake game with fake money, fake self-imposed rules are easy to break. The Blue Jays, for example, raised their payroll by like a jillion dollars. I wish we'd have thought of that.

Our plan was not to trade Brandon Phillips. I mean, that would be stupid, right? But when presented with the deal, it was hard to turn down. Jean Segura and Tyler Thornburg are a pair of top prospects, and the other two fellas were nothing to sneeze at neither. We figured the money saved and pitching prospects gained could be used to really tear some shit up. We were wrong.

Turns out, the piddly dollars we saved weren't worth shit on the market. We thought, "Hey! We have about $18 mil to put towards the payroll this year! Let's get Josh Hamilton!" Then we asked and were like /face turn green.

Also, pitching prospects are useless when you are building a team to show off to your internet friends at the end of the week instead of playing real baseball for the next however many years. Our supposition was that with a bucket full of valuable pitching prospects, we could swing some deals. That didn't happen. When we showed our prospect stock around the market, it was like when the little brother tries to impress his older brother's friends with a geode. No one cared. Who needs future value when this game ends on Friday?

So we did what any reasonable, self-respecting, hard-working, boot-strapping, hair-combing young bucks would do: we bought us up a bullpen.

So here you go. This is the Fake Reds roster we will be taking with us to Spring Training this year in outer space. Yeah. Our fake Spring Training facility is in outer space. Training in zero-gravity makes baseball players awesome times better or something.

Starting Lineup:

Alejandro De Aza CF
Shin-Soo Choo LF
Joey Votto 1B
Todd Frazier 3B
Jay Bruce RF
Zack Cozart SS
Takashi Toritani 2B
Ryan Hanigan C


Drew Stubbs OF
Xavier Paul OF
Devin Mesoraco C
Jack Hannahan 3B/1B
Henry Rodriguez IF


Johnny Cueto
Mat Latos
Aroldis Chapman
Bronson Arroyo
Tommy Hanson


Ryan Madson
Sean Marshall
Mke Adams
Jeremy Affeldt
Joel Peralta
Nick Masset
Jose Arredondo

Minor League deals:

Austin Kearns OF
Bill Bray P
Jack Hannahan IF
Darnell McDonald OF
Wladimir Balentien OF

If this simulation were a bit more real, we'd make sure to trade off Jose Arredondo or something to make room for Sam LeCure or Mike Leake or J.J. Hoover. But they all have options, so at this point in the fake game, they are playing Call of Duty down in Louisville.

So yeah. This was really, really fun. I'm going to have to go back sometime and count how many emails Beeker, RijoSabes, and I sent back and forth this week. They were really great. Also, you all were really cool for not calling us out on how stupid this whole thing really is. I mean, this is really just a bunch of squares playing fantasy baseball. And everyone knows that the least interesting thing in the world is somebody else's fantasy team. But you indulged us and I hope we were able to add some entertainment to an otherwise boring Winter Meetings.

Go Red Reporter's Reds! They are my fakerite team!