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SBNation Fake Winter Meetings Sim: Red Reporter's Reds ink a pair of free agents

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The Fake SBNation Winter Meetings Simulation Contest and Sweepstakes just went and got UNREAL.

HAIRCUT HAIRCUT HAIRCUT AGAIN!
HAIRCUT HAIRCUT HAIRCUT AGAIN!
Mike Hewitt

Red Reporter's Reds were very active all day yesterday, even if little result came of it. But with a wallet full of Tim Horton's gift cards from that time all of our aunts overheard us talking about how much we like coffee and so that's all we got for Christmas that year and the barista working the overnight shift who said she really wasn't creeped out at all and that she thought this whole thing was neat, we were able to stay up all night and seal some deals. Two new free agents were added in the wee hours, so let's take a look:

Mike Adams - two years, $5 million

Red Reporter's Reds added another strong late-inning reliever to their already bodacious bullpen, signing free agent Mike Adams to a bargain deal of $5 million over two years. The 34-year-old righty spent the last year-and-a-half with the Texas Rangers, but was diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome at the end of last season. That made every other team in the world run away because they were so grossed out by it, because I guess they all thought it meant he had like a bug butt or something gross. But whatever it is, he had the surgery and it's fine. So the Fake Reds' bullpen looks pretty nastay even without Aroldis Chapman.

Takashi Toritani - one year, $3 million

Toritani becomes the first Japanese-born player to fake wear the fake wishbone C (Hiroshima Carp excluded). The 31-year old middle infielder spent his entire career in the NPB with the Hanshin Tigers, posting a .284/.370/.419 batting line. Though he played shortstop for the Tigers, Red Reporter's Reds plan to move him over to second base where he will likely get the starting nod over top infield prospects Didi Gregorius, Jean Segura, and Henry Rodriguez.