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Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 1/6/12

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Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

It's a new year at RIWIAW which means we have the green light to reuse all of our old 2011 gags! And guess what? You'll still read it anyway because we actually have paragraph breaks! Is it Spring Training, yet? Because we would seriously appreciate something different around here.

Saturday: Still Doing The Wrong Things, But Doing Them The Right Way

Fresh off the "News That Shouldn’t Really Be Considered News Department" at the Cincinnati Enquirer: everyone’s favorite Twitter Friend, John Fay, reports that the Reds are still in a market for a closer for their 2012 Championship Season. Everyone here at RIWIAW and Red Reporter pretty much agrees with this assessment. Fay also increases his Red Reporter Street Cred by mentioning the Reds’ need for outfield help while name-dropping not only Wily Tavaris, but also Corey Patterson as prior transgressions by the club. Next thing you know, Fay will be brainstorming taglines and complaining about small sample sizes.

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Sunday: Happy New Year!

The only thing more vapid and boring than an article listing the contenders for "MLB Transaction of the Year" is a column listing the "MLB Transactions of the Year" penned by Leatherpants. Rest assured, folks, Bowden’s list doesn’t disappoint. His top move? Pujols being signed by the Angels. What a shock! His other category winners include the St. Louis Cardinals (Best Team To Win A World Series In 2011), Ryan Braun (Best Player To Win NL MVP Amid A Doping Controversy), and Jim Bowden (Jim Bowden Lifetime Achievement Award).

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Monday: It's That Time of Year

This is the darkest time of the year for baseball fans. Not only is Spring Training as far away as the previous season is in the rear-view mirror, but there is little news to report on. Heck, even MLB Trade Rumors is trying to re-circulate speculation on whether or not the Reds will re-sign Dontrelle Willis. You could go on the Reds' SBNation site, but the commenters there are preoccupied with basketball, hamburgers, and reenacting selected scenes from "Lord of the Flies." The only good news is that John Fay is back on his daily grind. When asked why he's back at work at such an early date, Fay responded, "because some jackballs got my home phone number and kept calling me about green hats."

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Tuesday: He Ain't Expensive, He's My Brother

When you ask Cincinnatians about absurd athletic acts of nepotism, they will probably first mention Mike Brown. If you press them further, they may mention Jordan Palmer. Now, Reds fans who have nothing better to do but bad mouth the Reds can complain about them shipping off Ronald Torreyes to open a spot for Brandon Phillips' little brother, P.J. Phillips. This marks the first time since Aaron and Matt Boone that the Reds have had two brothers in the their system's infield (Editor's note: this is unverified). Before that, the most recent brother combination was Aaron and Bret Boone (no relation).

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Wednesday: Jack Wilson Said (I’m In Heaven When You Sign Somewhere Else)

Fresh off his induction in SBNations GIF Hall of Fame, free agent shortstop Jack Wilson has been the lukewarm hot topic of the lukewarm hot stove season. Could the Reds be in on this action? There’s been idle speculation by those fearing the worst talk by experts suggesting that Jack Attack could join the Reds. However, John Fay has his doubtsafter concluding that Wilson is simply a bad shortstop a more expensive version of Paul Janish.

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Thursday: Comment of the Week Screen_shot_2012-01-05_at_11

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Friday: T-GIF!