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Red It, Watched It, And Wept - Week of 12/23

Covering what other writers are too scared too preoccupied with actual news to cover.

Super Special We-May-Never-Be-Able-To-Have-A-Thread-Not-Mentioning-Mat-Latos-Or-Sean-Marshall-Ever-Again Edition

Not Very Special Insufferable-Holiday-Themed-Pun Edition

Saturday: Leathertweet

Saturday's trade for Mat Latos brought Reds fans the one thing they've been clamoring to get for years: a new Jim Bowden meme. Baseball's foremost recovering addict of Athlete's Tongue re-infected himself this week with a flurry of Tweets well befitting the legend of Ol' Leatherpants. While there wasn't any graphic 9/11 imagery, there was plenty of second-guessing and dumb and baseless assertions. Frankly, if not for his own radio show, I can't think of any other place where he would fit in.


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Sunday: A Latos Family Christmas

Perhaps the greatest disappointment of the Mat Latos trade is that Mat will join the contingent of Reds alongside the Nasty Hook and Joey Votto who refuse to Tweet. In fact, Latos hatred for Twitter matches Votto's disdain for Colin Cowherd. (Amazon Holiday Shopping Tip: Shoppers who hate Twitter also despise: Red Reporter.) Luckily for us TwitterTrolls, Mat has some family members who can provide us updates about the pitcher and the hijinks he’s bound to get into while winning 30 games in 2012. Let’s welcome the Latos family to Cincinnati by pleading they retweet us to get up our page clicks!

Monday: Unfortunately, the Pitching that Extra Corner Outfielder.

Perhaps the most valid criticism of Mat Latos is that the kid can't play left field while he's pitching. Luckily, Walt Jocketty's rotating wheel of thirty-plus year old outfielders and Cardinals retreads have led him to consider Ryan Ludwick (again, only cheaper) and Rick Ankiel (again, only without pitching meltdowns). We here at RIWIAW are gripping with anticipation to see where the wheel stops. What has So Taguchi been up to lately?

Tuesday: Can Kevin Mench Still Play Left?

It's the first night of Hanukkah! We at RIWIAW could milk this for all it's worth by simply copying and pasting the same thing for eight days, but we respect our readers more than that (Editor's note: we don't know why). If you'd like to reward us with a gift, please remember that our Hanukkah wish list for the Reds consists of Sam Fuld, Kevin Youkilis and Ian Kinsler. If celebrating the Festival of Lights isn't your thing, we will be the first on record to say we wouldn't object to lumps of Cole in our (Red) stockings.

Wednesday: Thanks For Trading Us A Great Reliever, Cubs. Yule Regret This!

For many, it's the season of giving. For Walt Jocketty, it's the season of pillaging the pitching staffs of National League teams. Today, Walt shipped off Travis Wood for lefty setup man Sean Marshall. In lieu of flowers, please send Red Reporter your deepest condolences for the loss of their beloved meme: The Reds Have No Money And Are Talking To No One™

Thursday: Comment of The Week


Friday: Fanshot of the Weak

Hah, yeah. Right. Merry Christmas, you jackballs.