Tonight's stop on the local burger tour was the legendary Bard's Burgers in Latonia, KY. Bard's is home to the Bardzilla challenge, which dares a patron to down TEN 1/3 pound patties and cheese along with a pound of fries. I was nominated to take on the beast against my will. But you know what?
They have poutine. WIN. Here's my story.
The night started with me and Ash being early arrivals as usual, with obc, Slyde, and BK showing thereafter. Since Bard's doesn't serve alcohol we met at Goodtimers II next door, where I had five beers or so. In retrospect this was a very poor strategy. But at the end of the night, you know what? I became #8 to take down Bardzilla. SPECK.
The Bardzilla challenge rules state that you have to finish it all in an hour or less, and you can't leave. They cut me some slack here when I had to go pee twice. (five beers beforehand, remember?)
As I stated in the meetup thread, I was leaning toward not taking the challenge because, well, it's retarded to do that to yourself. Unfortunately for me and my blind pride, Slyde decided he too would take the challenge. Halfway through he informed the crowd that he never had any intention of making a run at the monster but rather he ordered it to force me to man up. What can I say? The man knows me. :)
We had very few witnesses, but everyone who wasn't taking the challenge seemed to be full of theories. Bunch of armchair quarterbacks, I tell ya. "Oh, you're drinking too much soda", "What are you doing texting on your phone?", "Don't take a break, that will doom you!". Easy to say when you're not the one shoving over three pounds of meat and cheese into your maw.
Everyone orders (You guys are gonna have to fill in the blanks as I was writing out my will in my head and have no idea what everyone else had) and after a short time the food comes out. You wanna see hell on a plate?
I was foolishly confident at this point. I would soon be put in my place by grilled beef.
I can't competently comment on the characteristics of the burgers at Bard's because I was far more focused on destroying my colon. All I know is that when it came out and I started, the patties were really hot. My strategy was to attack the beast by taking off the top bun and peeling off the patties one by one until I got it to a workable level. I ate the first eight patties in this fashion before throwing the bun back on and being left with a double cheeseburger and fries. Here's a shot of when I had finished three patties and was starting on #4:
And after downing #7:
It's hard to believe with that kind of cuteness I haven't been snatched up yet, AMIRITE?
Anyway, at this point the train started to slow a bit. I was getting full. And not the "Oh I don't think I need to eat any more tonight" full, but "Okay, my stomach is starting to visually starting to protrude" full. This is where things got tough. Upon finishing patty number eight, BK looks on amused:
I'll be honest, at this point it was getting ugly. So I took a break and wore my napkin as a hat while sipping Diet Coke:
The double cheeseburger and fries were HELL. I was beyond full but there was no turning back at this point. I had to get up and walk around, I started getting a little dizzy, I wanted to die. You know, my normal Thursday night minus the beer. I eventually choked down the double though and was left with the fries, 15 minutes to go. My greatest opponent to date.
I couldn't eat the fries. COULDN'T. I was dead in the water, every time I ate a little more I started getting nauseous. This is where the rules came into play - You only have to clear your plate in the hour, not get them down. Cheap? Sure. Life saving? Absolutely.
So once my stomach regained its composure I shoved stuff into my mouth like no other. Well except maybe Paris Hilton. (Paris Hilton jokes are still cool right?)
My second most favorite pic of the night:
God was shining on me while my eyes rolled back in my head. Awesome.
I got the fries in my mouth, won the prize. The problem moment occurred when everyone whooped it up and I started to smile, pushing the fries to the back of my throat. BAD IDEA. I bolted to the bathroom and got rid of the fries. (no barfing, that comes later.)
Thank God for loopholes, I got my free shirt:
Because my camera sucks and people don't take good pics, I'll tell you what it says: "Bard's Burgers - You can't beat our meat!". Perfect.
At this point we made a victorious exit from Bard's and headed to Legend's next door, making a quick stop in Goodtimers II to let them know I conquered the beast.
At Legends we had some beers and upon starting beer #2, I felt a rumbly in my tumbly. I excused myself and deposited approximately 1-2 burgers into the men's room stall. After that I was fine. Tomorrow morning? I make no promises. Could someone call and check on me please? Or at least preemptively send a plumber to my house?
OK guys, it's on you now. Fill in the blanks, I'm going to take an antacid.
Full set of pics can be found HERE.