Buried in one of ESPN's Matthew Berry's fantasy columns was this gem about former Red Austin Kearns: "True story. A while back, I read the Tucker Max book "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell." It's hilarious, by the way; I highly recommend it. Never met the guy, but it's rare that something I read makes me laugh out loud. Currently, the only things that qualify on a regular basis are Simmons and people defending Travis Hafner. So I send Tucker a quick e-mail just telling him I am a fan and enjoyed his work. He e-mails back, a bunch of his friends are huge fantasy guys and fans of me, he's having a screening for the movie based on his book, do I want to come to New York City for a screening and party with him and his buddies? I say sure. At the party, we meet a girl who claims she went to high school with Austin Kearns. In fact, she went to prom with him. I ask about the experience. Did Austin cross home plate? He did not, she insists. No matter how much we badgered her for details she maintained Austin was a perfect gentleman. Tucker couldn't believe it. But as I said to Tucker as she walked away … In fairness to Austin, he's never been able to hit for average. And that girl is the definition of it."